Remember being a kid and looking up to adults because you thought they were smart?
LOL
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Cute guy: I like that you just say what’s on your mind
Me: Why do you think Ginger was the only band member named after an actual spice?
Girl: I love Medieval Art
Boy: Who doesn’t? There he is now
Medieval Art: Good morrow! Pray tell- How fare thee on this day of providence?
I find the fact Barney and friends got overlooked for every single Jurassic Park movie… bizarre
So sick of all these stupid rules
COP: Know why I stopped you?
MAN IN A RESTAURANT EATING FRIED CHICKEN: Huh?
COP: You’re using a knife and fork. Step away from the chicken
It’s just too late in the day for me to investigate the overwhelmingly strong mustard smell in my kids’ bathroom.
Van Gone
FURNITURE MAKER WHO SECRETLY HATES HIS WIFE: Honey I created a new type of cabinet. I’m gonna name it after you
SUSAN: Aw baby that’s sweet
Someone once told me that I might have ADD, so I decided to look into it. After 5 minutes of research I found out that all the pandas in the world are on loan from China.
A mom just told her kids the park is closing so they would leave without throwing fits.
Another mom overheard and said, “Uh-oh, the park is closing! Gotta go!
So I said, “Everyone’s leaving! Let’s follow them out!”
We all winked at each other and got in our cars.
Teamwork.
I enjoy the outdoors when it stays outdoors.
*shows up at your potluck with a handful of McDonald’s ketchup packets*
I was going to clean my house but decided to stop inviting people over instead
Even when food is heaven on Earth
my husband adds hot sauce till it tastes like satan.
I just wrote a $1500 check for a cow, like some kind of 1930s housewife.
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
wife: the car battery is dead and i’m gonna be late for work. can you jump it for me?
me: [punching car battery] you like making my wife late?
Spending all my money on lottery tickets so I’ll either be rich or poor, none of this wishy-washy stuff in the middle
I suffer from paranoia and procrastination. Everyone is out to get me, just not right now
teacher: are u a visual thinker, auditory thinker, or kinesthetic thinker
me: oh im not a thinker
These true crime docs are fantastic but pretty soon Netflix is going to have to start murdering dudes just to keep up.
[1st date]
Me: I’ve got crabs
[date leaves]
[back home looking at my fish tank]
“It’s all right guys, one day I’ll find one who’ll like you”
If an interviewer asks you: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” say “I don’t know, did you see me pull up in a DaLorean?”
Nurse: sorry for the wait
Mario: it’s ok, I’m a patient
Before you call me, ask yourself, “Can I text it?”
Before you text me, ask yourself, “Can I email it?”
Before you email me, ask yourself, “Can I just think it really, really hard?”
When a cop gently helps you in his car, promises you an overnighter & talks about bonding, he isn’t taking you on a date… I know this now.
My girlfriend said she bought the lingerie for me, but then got upset when I put it on… I dont get women.
You can tell how much it’s going to cost you by the way your teenager sounds:
Mum! = £2 for an ice cream
Muuuum 🙂 = £50 for pointless trainers
Hello mummy, you look pretty today = remortgage the house
Is it still an alien abduction if I packed a suitcase?
“Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs” could also describe every menu item at Olive Garden.