Drive as I say, not as I drive.
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I approach.
“Girl are you a couch? Cuz I’m gonna try & fail to pick you up.”
She laughs. “I’m Jen.”
My training hasn’t prepared me for this.
Spent the day at the zoo watching animal parents sleeping. Currently building a cage around my house.
Can we still see the Grand Canyon from the air or has the government put a giant tarp over it?
Boss: I need that report by noon
Me: Consider it done[2pm]
Boss: Where’s that report?
Me: Huh? I thought we’d agreed to consider it done?
I wanna rock and roll for 20 minutes tops and party for as long as it takes to seem normal before leaving without saying goodbye to anyone
Use your whole data plan each month. There are children in China that have no data plan
San Andreas is just like Godzilla only Godzilla is invisible
So the ex texted me
this FaceApp is creepy af
I’m 6’4″ and built like someone who ate someone who was 6’5″
It’d be nice if the married people would leave some of the single people for the rest of the single people.
Sober me:
It would be convenient to have a urinal in my house.
Drunk me:
A urinal! *pees in sink*
I would run in my flip flops, but I don’t want you to fall in love with me.
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
Alcohol
“Umm ok, how about strengths?”
*pouring him a shot* Sharing
Just went for a piss while still wearing my microphone and the whole conference heard me call the urinal a “thirsty boy”
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
I have a splitting headache today.
Voldemort must be back from the dead and attempting to kill me.
I don’t need the audio tour at the museum, I have my teen to provide critical commentary the entire time.
[table of 6 year olds in lab coats]
How are we supposed to find a cure for cooties if we
*bangs fist on table*
CAN’T EVEN FIND WALDO?!
Edward Scissorhands: best 2 out of 3
Dwayne Johnson:
Whenever someone is doing math in their head, I just squint and give a good thinking face, then agree with whatever answer they got.
Just bought a new pair of running shoes. Very excited to see how they look on the highest shelf in the closet.
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
Hear me out: Spray-on wrapping paper.
I choose my underwear for the day based on how likely I am to have sex.
Today I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway.
I posted “Happy Almost Mother’s Day!” on this chick I grew up with’s Facebook page, guess I was the only one who remembered her abortion.
There’s nothing more difficult than trying to convince a narcissist that you don’t like them.
Asserting dominance by starting all my private DMs with “I hope this dm finds you well”
I like to go to zen gardens and shout at things.