Told my 10 y/o daughter that even though I got a big promotion at work my most important job is still just being her dad and she said, “that’s nice” and asked me to get her a glass of water.
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May you never experience disappointment like that of finding unmelted cheese on the second layer of nachos
2020 feels like trying to jog while both of your feet are asleep.
If you are in the market for a new fridge just know that my 4yo makes more ice pretending to be Elsa than my four year old Samsung refrigerator.
Sorry I borrowed your pen and performed that emergency tracheotomy that turned out not to be an emergency.
And sorry about your neck hole.
Instead of sending a letter in a bottle, go one step further. Bottle up all your feelings, then throw yourself out into the ocean.
I’m so out of shape, Internet Explorer could probably run faster than me.
Guinea pigs aren’t real pets. You buy them when your kids are begging for a dog, but you want to make them sad instead.
My kid is having lasagna for breakfast.
Omg I’m raising Garfield!!
Sports bra is so tight my cleavage starts at my chin
And ladies, keying cars is very 2010 lol all you need to do is ask to drive his car and you take it and speed pass every speed camera in your city. And just return his car back to him like nothing happened.
Me: Dyin’ hard or hardly dyin’?
Bruce Willis: How do you keep getting into my house?
me: so I just check out women all day?
grocery store manager: please stop saying it like that
[yelling at a maple tree] Release your pancake sauce to me you piece of shit
My husband and I often laugh about how competitive we are, but I laugh more.
Welcome to parenthood: where the laundry basket is always full and the threats are always empty.
Hey babe i wanted to marry you but i had to ask your dad first and he said yes so i guess i’m marrying your dad
Y’all ever rage clean your kids’ toys so hard that whoever goes to Goodwill next week is going to hit the Jackpot?
Everything is about balance. A sombrero with strawberries on the one side and melons on the other, can and will cause you certain problems, I know this now
I stopped swearing, because kids. Then I started swearing, because kids.
*puts tiny glases on my pet owl*
*puts tiny lab coat on my pet owl*
*puts tiny stethoscope on my pet owl*
ha ha doctor who
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all French toast.
I didn’t make this, but it’s perfect
I have a five year plan to become more spontaneous.
“A Bunch of Stuff I Remembered and Then Compiled into a Narratively Cohesive Yet Inconsistently Compelling Tome: A Memoir”
I like how your options for buying furniture are either $800 for a nightstand or $100 for a nightstand but you must devote a day of your life to building it from scratch with wordless instructions like you have committed a crime in an ancient Greek myth & this is your punishment
“We’ve got all the time in the world” said the dodo bird to the dinosaur.
My baby never smiles bigger than when she find my phone left unlocked.
Me: [pitching an idea for a comic book] Imagine a superhero whose parents are–get this–alive and well.
Exec: *under breath* whoa
Me: When the edibles kick in
Everyone: You forgot to attach a picture or a gif
Me: Exactly