This lesbian couple nailed their pregnancy announcement
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[Verizon]
SALESMAN: Can I interest you in our friends and family plan?
BATMAN: [just starts crying]
If you play the movie Jaws backwards it’s basically a story about a shark with bulimia.
Me: I just stepped in dog shit, isn’t that weird?
Her: Not really
Me: Ok, what if I told you I knew it was there?
5: I accidentally opened this bag of chips so I should probably eat them all, right, Mom?
Me: NO! Put the chips away, have a piece of fruit.
Also me, that night: welp, might as well finish off this sleeve of cookies or they’ll probably go bad.
Luke, I am your uncle.
Luke, I am your third cousin.
Luke, I am your grandmother.– Skywalker family reunion
if u choke a Smurf what color does it turn
When life hands you gators, make Gatorade…just kidding-that means life hates you because the gators would totally kill and eat you 1st.
I miss going to weddings just to bring home the centerpieces.
Who snuck Monday in here? 🙄
“Uhm, EXCUSE me, my eyes are out HERE.” — Hammerhead sharks
My baby’s daycare teacher said tomorrow is pajama day which is awkward because I send him wearing pajamas every day
Leonardo Dicaprio is like driving in a school zone. You don’t go above twenty-five.
PORCUPINE LAWYER: I object, your Honor! He’s badgering the witness!
BADGER LAWYER: Your Honor, he’s being a prick!
SKUNK JUDGE: [slamming gavel] Odor! Odor in the court!
I have no witty tweets puh rum pum pum pum.
If I can hear you chew, I have fantasized about your death.
I love rotting in bed. My vision board is just a picture of the grandparents in Willy Wonka
Johnny Depp is the best actor ever. You can’t even tell he has scissor hands in Pirates of the Caribbean.
God: i’m sorry the answers no.
Jellyfish: please?
God: it’s just too ridiculous.
Jellyfish: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but-
Jellyfish: pretty please? : (
God: I can’t just make a PeanutButterfish
“Do I need to put my shoes back on for this?” is apparently a bad answer when your boss calls you into a meeting
I like how your options for buying furniture are either $800 for a nightstand or $100 for a nightstand but you must devote a day of your life to building it from scratch with wordless instructions like you have committed a crime in an ancient Greek myth & this is your punishment
#SCOTUS one-star review
It’s not the most ethical move in the world, but in a pinch you can hand off a cursed object to basically any baby.
My friend uses ‘supossebly’ and I never correct her. I like her irregardless.
Doing United States puzzle with 7 when he tells me that “Alabama should be called Mr. Sippi since it’s next to Mrs. Sippi.”
Coyotes don’t run away – they pause and stare, like they’re trying to place you. One did this to me on the way home and I rolled down the window and said “I used to bartend at a fondue place?” He snapped his paw and said “right that’s it” and trotted off in the rain.
Mom: Do you have any idea how painful it was to carry you in my womb for 9 months?
Me: If the last time I hurt you was 37 years ago, I’d say you’re winning in this relationship.
Dr: Read the chart for me please.
Me: Needs immediate psych evaluation?
Dr: Ma’am, I was talking about the eye chart.
Looking at food photos online may help curb overeating: study
My teen complained about my cooking, so I stopped fighting it and filled the freezer with frozen dinners instead of making dinner, and after a week of frozen dinners, guess who’s asking me to cook again.
Waiter: would you like a water?
Me: ew, gross.
Waiter: what if I add some frozen water to the glass?
Me: tempting.
Waiter: would a dirty lemon wedge seal the deal?
Me: [nods] indeed.