if I wasn’t supposed to grow up to want a sugar daddy why did we base an entire holiday around a much older man bringing me presents for being a good girl
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Mint flavored condoms called condomints. Thanks for following.
Just why bro?!
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
I’m in good enough shape to be turned into a vampire now.
One day you’re partying til 2am and waltzing into work the next morning
Then all of the sudden you “need a vacation from your vacation”
My kid is running around the house with an open umbrella draped across his shoulders and got mad because I couldn’t guess he was a *checks notes* vampire blaster mechagodzilla.
Date: So what do you do for fun?
Me: [Flashes back to me tightly strapping a Rolex around a quail]
I love bird watching.
Two certain individuals today proclaimed me the worst mom ever because I took them to the dentist.
I FORCED THEM TO HAVE TEETH. Like, OMG.
Wrong hole! It’s too tight!
-me putting on my watch, you pervs
What do people who ask, “do you think I am an idiot?” and get mad when we say “yes”, want from us?
Me: shit that alligator’s waving at me.
Girlfriend: you shouldn’t have told him that you’d see him later.
Me *under the table*: I was just being nice.
Twitter is the only place where you encourage strangers to follow you. What could possibly go wrong?
Pre-Having Daughters:
*Hates hearing “NO” from womenPost-Having Daughters:
*Teaches them “NO” in 167 different languages including Klingon
In a parallel universe somewhere, Bruno Mars is listening to the radio & he’s sick of me being on every channel.
[at work]
Carl, did you get naked when you used the bathroom?
*standing there with his shirt & pants on backwards*
“No…why do you ask?”
Paper plates don’t have to go so hard with the marketing. Whimsical floral design? I just need to know microwaveable y/n
[avengers trailer drops]
ME: ok wow everyone needs to relax a bit geez
[john wick trailer drops]
ME: EVERYONE SHUT UP KEANU AND HIS DOG ARE IN DANGER
Oops I deleted….
They just discovered an Egyptian tomb filled with chocolate and hazelnut. They believe it’s the tomb of Pharaoh Rocher.
The best thing I ever did was install a fake doorbell.
Now no one ever knocks on my door.
If I had a pizza place I’d continuously deliver pizzas to the houses of people with no self control like me. What are we going to say, no thanks?
My friend got a peloton. Now she’s posting with words I don’t understand and people are responding with similar words and it’s like when everybody watched game of thrones and I didn’t.
ME: I want the car’s brake lines to rust
SCIENTIST: I’m listening
ME: [slides over envelope full of cash] But make it look like an oxidant
When I’m drafting a legal document, I’ll sprinkle the word “herein” all over that shit like it’s paprika.
Very sad to announce I need to cancel the 2020 Boston Handshaking Festival.
*dipping a pine cone in my coffee* Gosh I just love fall
How can a pair of men’s swim trunks be $90?! Is the net for your privates lined with gold?
Cross a mobster in the streets. Horse’s head in the sheets.
A joke is only funny if both of you are laughing.
*and other lies we tell our kids
6: Dad, what’s the biggest thing in the world?
Me: Uh
6: Nevermind, Siri…