Clock: “You need to get up in 6 hours.”
Me: “No you’re mistaken. First I need to Google the lyrics to that song from 9th grade, and then find the episode with the scene where they played that song on BH 90210.”
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[Enter restaurant]
WIFE: See if you can get us a table
ME: Ok[1 minute later]
ME: [sprinting towards wife, carrying table] START THE CAR
Not doing anything with my life is surprisingly time consuming
A Navidad is just a normal Dad that never has to ask for directions.
Getting out of bed the other night to go pee and the monster grabbed my leg, he said I can’t live like this anymore tell your wife to get rid of all these damn boxes under here.
The lady behind me in line was in a hurry to get out of the grocery store so I decided to write a check to pay for my stuff.
We always tell unpopular people to get in the dustbin of history, but we never tell unpopular mountains to get in the toilet of geography.
The last 23,000 tweets were sent by my dog and bad decisions.
girls be like “can you get my lip gloss from my purse? just reach in & head left, take a right at the wallet then turn left til you pass 3 nutrigrain bars & take your next right then head straight & it should be there. if you’ve hit the 2007 target receipts you’ve gone too far”
The accuracy #BlowsMyMind
CAPTCHA: select all the boxes that contain love
HADDAWAY: shit
Probably the worst thing about dying a virgin would be all the dead terrorists that are waiting for you.
Eat…
Dead
Alive
Other✔
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: wow that was really fast
robbed a bank just to hear someone call me a person of interest
1. Stand in sauna
2. Add 30,000 strangers
3. Take 2 steps every 30 seconds
4. Repeat for 12 hoursCongratulations! How was Disneyworld?
*watches neighbor sprint outside in his underwear chasing the garbage truck after I rolled his trash can back to his house last night*
Every Batman actor should have to audition with this scene.
what if wolves are onto something? maybe we’ll be happier if we scream at the moon every night
😅😅😅
I’m rearranging the kitchen which is devastating for my husband because now suddenly he remembers where everything used to be.
I pet my dog and she started to purr. Thought I should lay off the drugs until I realized the cat was sitting behind her.
Microwave manufacturers: we made a special button just in case you want to make popcorn in your microwave
Popcorn manufacturers: u touch that button and we will burn the whole goddamn house down
Even if you are fully vaccinated, you should not lick the escalator rails…
Me, noticing that no one responded to my email yet: “Wow, rude.”
Me, noticing that I have an email in the “Scheduled” queue in Gmail: “Oh.”
Paper plates don’t have to go so hard with the marketing. Whimsical floral design? I just need to know microwaveable y/n
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*Wife (out of breath): Thanks for holding the elevator open
Me: No problem
BARISTA: what can I get you
ME: medium roast please
B: ok, your gray roots are getting obvious and you have the silhouette of a potato
M: *under breath* damn
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
My son asked why some mommies and daddies live in different houses, so I sat him down and told him the truth… their kids complained about slow WiFi and never went to bed on time.