3 little words that can bring a man to his knees on a Sunday morning
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#FeaturesIWishMyHouseHad
Wish it had walls
My sex tape is me laying on the bed trying to zip my skinny jeans from last year.
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
Robert Downey Jr. will always be my hero, not because of Iron Man, but because he broke into someone’s home just to take a nap.
My son went into a bank 5 mins ago and I’m waiting in the car. Now I’m hearing sirens in the distance and I’m hoping I’m not a getaway car.
me: sacked? why?
boss: you’ve been working at GitHub for 4 years now and you still laugh at the name
me: you *know* that’s under control [holds clipboard in front of face for 8 minutes]
Earth? yeah, I’d hit that -meteor
“Have you considered living on campus?” I ask.
“For a school that’s 30 minutes away? That’s crazy.” My 17 year old answers.
I eat my chili from a small ice cream bowl with an oversized serving spoon (because all of our dishes are in his room) as I stare sadly out the window.
I dream of a day when my toddler can poop and the entire neighborhood doesn’t have to hear her say she’s done.
You think after 11 years of marriage you really know your spouse, and then last night I found out mine uses his notes app by keeping EVERYTHING – grocery lists, reminders, birthday present ideas – in ONE LONG NOTE
I’m telling you, my cat mimics my every move. And that wouldn’t be a problem if she wasn’t constantly trying to steal my fake eye lashes
I appreciate the optimism, guys, but I’m fairly confident it’s going to be Charles.
To prepare yourself for having a kid: Every night before bed say to your phone “Siri, Set an alarm. Surprise me.”
Do you think in a parallel universe they just call it parking?
Me: If I walk 10,000 steps but do it with a dog, has the dog done 20,000 steps since it has twice the legs?
Job interviewer: I meant questions about the company
Me: Come on eat that.
Miss 10: I don’t want it, it makes me want to throw up.
[Sees my face].
10: In a good way.
My FIL found my husband’s childhood trumpet and then asked my 5yo if he wanted it. I don’t know what I did for that man to hate me so much, but apparently it was pretty bad.
We need to take better care of the ocean because terrifying things live down there & if we destroy their home, they are going to come into ours. If you think traffic is bad now, wait until Cthulhu is sitting in the middle of the highway trying to eat a school bus.
I was going to eat a salad today, but then I remembered I’m not a rabbit.
Having to ask the hairdresser to give you a cut that will persuade your phone’s facial recognition software that it’s still you is very 2020.
Me: You’re on my VERY LAST NERVE!
2020: Nope.
God is on our side because we invented him. And if he wavers we’ll invent another one.
Your heart beats faster, your knees go weak, you start to sweat. Is this love? No you’re probably hypoglycemic
Your car took up two spaces, so I tried to move it over with my key.
BFF: You better be dying calling me at 2 AM.
Me: This is important! If Kim Possible marries Ron Stoppable and take his last name does that change her ability to do anything?
BFF: I hate you.
While he was probing my mouth my dentist asked if I was doing anything nice this weekend and now he thinks I’m going to park a car far from a large bar in Armagh.
My kid asked me to hold her candy, took one look at my excited face and decided she should hold onto it instead, which was definitely the right call.
[2 months into relationship]
HER: you’ve changed
ME: [proudly] showered, too
If you eat guns, you’ll sweat bullets.
It’s science.
keep your friends close but your smartphone closer