Remember to look both ways before crossing a woman.
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[serial killers talking] Anyway I stood there for like 10 minutes, but she never wiped the steam off the bathroom mirror so I just left
ME: *falls off the wagon*
THE REST OF MY CARAVAN ON THE OREGON TRAIL: Phew. Finally.
its a good thing we swallow 8 spiders a year bc if it werent for those spiders, we’d be swalowing hundreds of flies and smaller insects
Prevent future fights among your children by not owning any nice things.
AT&T literally grounded someone of you with loss of telephone privileges.
“I < 3 You” means I’m smaller than 3 of you.
I was tired of my kids asking me to put the same 7 songs on for them 9,000 times a day, so I taught them how to do it themselves.
I am not a smart woman.
My daughter just announced she’s SICK of stupid-ass people. I said “Oh darlin, you’re gonna feel ill for a long time.. they’re everywhere.”
Welcome to your 40’s. You now choose restaurants based on how much back support their seating offers
[wife gets home & sees shit on the rug]
What’s this?“It was Rover he w..”
*dog makes throat slice gesture*“It was me. I shit on the rug”
8 ways to manage anger:
– scream into tapestry
– incoherent accusations
– threaten France
– try to shoot lightening from finger tips
– wine
– hurl Spaniards into the Thames
– cake for you and no one else
– new wife
On date night my wife took me to a place where you make your own pottery. I made an urn.
Me: You can watch me shower, but if my husband catches you he’ll kill you
Spider:
“how’d your football team football today?”
those footballers footballed quite well…really good footballin’
Me: Don’t you talk to me like you are paying me for what I do
Boss:
Boss: But I am paying you for what you do!
Me: What did I just say!!
Everyone keeps returning to the same hypothetical. If loving you is wrong…
Bullshit.
What if loving you is gross? That’s the question.
when i see a siren i like to pretend there are tiny people at an ultra exclusive tiny rave on top of a car.
The number of people I have accidentally assaulted while talking with my hands is less than fifty, probably.
Definitely less than a hundred.
“I ran a half marathon” sounds so much better than “I quit halfway through a marathon”.
A 32-year-old man was arrested in England after allegedly stealing a semi-truck that contained 200,000 Cadbury Creme Eggs, police said.
Country rooooads
Let’s-a goooo
It’s-a meeeee
MariooooooMushroom Kingdooom
Mama Miaaaa
Take me Hoooome
Rainbow Roaaad
DIET UPDATE: I’ve had to replace the refrigerator light bulb twice since quarantine started
A lady asked me where my adopted son came from and I said if she doesn’t know by now where babies come from it’s not my place to tell her
If I ever tell you to “Be the ball,” I’m not coaching you…I’m preparing you for my nine iron.
WARNING: I WILL NOT STEAL YOUR BOYFRIEND BUT I MIGHT STEAL YOUR CAT
Einstein was wrong. The real definition of insanity is trying to clean your house when you have children.
“Nope, not touching that… what else you got?”
-Me, as a therapist
[sitting in van]
Robber 1: Ready?
Robber 2: Let’s do this!
Me: How do I…*trying to open egg container of pantyhose*…open this?
If someone tries to be your friend, pick up their cat and play it like the bagpipes. Problem solved.