A few hardest things to say:
“I Was Wrong” “I Need Help”
“Worcestershire Sauce”
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I made my bed and found a half eaten stick of butter in it. When I asked my child if she put anything in mommy’s bed, she said “I did not put butter in it.” The mystery continues. More at 11.
By the time my CVS receipt finished printing I was eligible for another prescription refill.
Forget a alarm clock just give me the smell of bacon and coffee
I like how the use of the passive implies William Shatner has no say in the matter
Taught my daughter how to use Amazon Lists and now I have 371 items under “you should buy me this”
This gonna be me in 2 weeks
Jesus and Mary will occasionally appear on toast, or pancake, or waffles. Always breakfast foods. Why? Because it’s the most important meal.
Buddha: all life is suffering
Me: alright dude, chill out. they said your food would be out in ten minutes
Not to brag but I can forget what I’m doing as I’m doing it
When we do get this coronavirus vaccine, it better not just be cake.
wife: Did you work late?
[flashback to me missing my exit because the car in front of me had Shrek on and I wanted to see the ending]
me:Yep
i hate when you’re boiling an egg and it gets a crack in it and the egg’s ghost escapes. very scary and i don’t like it
Kids today have iPads, but when I was little my parents kept me busy on road trips by saying, ‘keep an eye on the trailer, and let us know if it falls off.’
Was testing the fire alarms in the house, and all the kids wandered out of their bedrooms thinking dinner was ready.
Friend: Do you know karate?
Me: [wanting to sound cool but not overly cocky] I’ve heard of him.
BILLY CORGAN: the world is a vampire
ME: wouldn’t it explode into flames as soon as the sun hit it then?
BILLY: shut up *runs off crying*
Me: All I want is for a man to bring me a rose-
Friend: Well, that’s not asking much.
Me: colored diamond.
Someone asked me why I was wearing a fake AirPod… bro that’s my hearing aid
Mom: What are you hiding in there?
-nuthin
[Vin Diesel noises from closet]
M: Is Vin Diesel in there?
-…yes
Vin Diesel: [from closet] No.
Him (five years ago): Do you have a work out routine?
Me: *still laughing
Couples therapist: what scares you the most?
Wife: that we slowly lose respect for each other
Me: when the washing machine goes really fast
My girlfriend does not want to split the gallon of milk I smuggled into the movie theater for us 😔
I lost a good friend today, he asked me to pick up some non-alcoholic beer.
The adjective “interesting” is way more reliable when applied to cheese than when used to describe people.
When you’re on the couch being all comfy, snuggled under a blanket, a glass of wine on your left, a bag of chips on your right, the cat is sleeping on your lap, and you realize you forgot to put the remote within reach.
That’s the moment you wish you had kids.
Mayonnaise is cum. When you put it on a sandwich, you’re spreading cum on your bread. When you ask for it on a burger, you ordered cum.
me: yo lemme get somma those THYIICC fries
kfc: you mean potato wedges?
me: yes potato wedges please
*extreme announcer voice* Next up on Jesus The Real Truth: Was it crucifact or crucifiction
Would you rather live without coffee or without Wi-Fi?
MY DOG’S VET: who’s a good boy? who’s the handsomest boy? does you wanna cookie? does the handsome good boy want a cookie? does the handsomest best boy ever want a cookie?
MY DOCTOR: you look fatter and paler than I remember, sit down