Only rings I’m interested in are made from onions.
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[1st date]
Me: Sooo…Is there anything you’d like to ask me?Him: Well, there is one thing I’ve been wondering
Me: *batting lashes* Go ahead
Him: Is that a piece of hot dog in your hair?
*London, 1592*
Pizza Boy: Hark! I hast brought thine order
Lusty Wench: Alas, I hath not a tuppence to pay for thy cheesed bread! Mayhap there is some other way thou canst get thine…pound of flesh?
Pizza Boy: Gadzooks! *funky lute music begins*
I have really bad hearing & thought he said “I love turds” but he said “nerds” & now I don’t know what to do with this shit in my underwear.
Who called them silk boxers and not ball gowns
Vote for me and I promise to make fast food places put menus in a place where you can figure out what you want BEFORE you get to the window.
Cashier holds up a bottle of herbal spray for hot flashes “you sure you want this it’s twelve dollars” YES I WANT IT AND I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT
Apparently, “in California” wasn’t the right answer to my boss asking where I see myself in five years
Dear Stephanie on Facebook,
I do not care that you are watching The Breakfast Club.
I only want to know what channel it’s on.
Real men don’t need guns. One time I beat a burglar to death with a sleeve of Ritz crackers and used the crumblings for a casserole crust.
Asked my dad and uncle why they weren’t chatting and my uncle goes “we’re done chatting for today” and my dad nods and they continue watching tv in silence
I think
Therefore I am
Tongue tied
If this can be a salad, you can be anything.
Romeo: Juliet is the sun.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: *loudly from the balcony* NO SHE ISN’T
I don’t do exercise bc one time I kneed myself in the face doing a burpee
Strangely, this bacon candle doesn’t even taste like bacon.
We’re not out of the woods yet.
Lumberjack: That better be the last forest joke.
When the horse rides back into camp without the rider, it’s never good news, but no one ever suspects the horse.
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you think that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out of the cover the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
in the song “the final countdown” they do not actually count down, thus invalidating the basis of the song. furthermore,
What do you mean I can’t get a refund on this broken lamp?
Ma’am you bought it from my yard sale a year ago! *slams door*
7-year-old: What’s for dessert?
Me: Eat your dinner first.
7: I need a goal.
Mercury is in retrograde for 20 more days. Don’t sign any contracts. Have sex with whoever you want to.
Husband: [wiping off dust] How long have these mixed nuts been in the pantry?
Me: Since I picked the last cashew out, I guess.
So my mom suggested today that I use Twitter to find a boyfriend. I told her that only works if you’re already married.
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
When I was your age we didn’t have edible underwear, we just ate normal underwear
Me: It appears our thoughts have verbally crossed streams once again
Friend: why can’t you just say jinx?
Maybe i’m not naked, maybe my pants are just invisible?
ME: *trying to remember name of someone I met 2 minutes ago*
BRAIN: “Nope. I got nothing. Unless you want complete lyrics to 90s songs?”
Told my dog it’s too cold to go for a walk and he just saw one from the window and now I’m a liar.