My dad called me last night and said “I’ve been reading through your tweets and I hate to break it to you but there’s no way you can run for public office now”
You Might Also Like
9 out of 7 people can’t do fractions
I have two dogs. One named Rolex and one named Timex.
They’re watchdogs.
Interviewer: Why do you want this job?
Me: I’ve always been passionate about being able to afford food
“Does anyone else smell barbecue, or is it just me?”
– Joan of Arc
We save women and children first because the dads have to make sure all the lights are off and the thermostat is set appropriately.
According to my DNA results, I’m 99% high af.
5 cats in this house and not one will ride the Roomba WHAT A JOKE.
I have so many questions.
You ever pump your gas slowly on purpose so no one realizes you only had $3 on you
More like Kate Missington.
him: there is something wrong, but I can’t quite put my finger on it
me: do I need a proctologist with longer arms, then?
Always a bridesmaid, never a bride. Because, I’m smarter than my friends.
Tombstone: Here lies Houdini
2nd Tombstone: Now I’m over here
I just watched a squirrel bury a nut in my front yard. I’m going to dig it up and replace it with a Cadbury egg.
That’ll blow his Lil mind
hey we’re calling off the search party. we found a different guy out there we like more
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *puts lipstick on the dog and watches Sleepless in Seattle*
Wife – “….””
Unfortunately I’ve determined that sucking up is part of human nature because it works and yes my boss DID look very nice today…
Screw your Twitter Crushes and Twitter Husbands and Twitter Nemeses. I want a Twitter Penguin. I want a pet penguin, but only on Twitter.
Apparently, Walt Disney was a secret FBI snitch for 26 years so I guess you could say he was a rat who was famous for drawing a mouse.
ME: hey boss it looks like I bit off a little more than I could chew
MORTICIAN: you’re so fired
“40 times.”
“What are you talking about?”
“That’s how much greater my sense of smell is than yours.”
“Okay, so what’s your point?”
“My point is, Dave, we really need to discuss your personal hygiene.”
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
As I walk through the valley of the Shadow of Death, I remind myself that you can’t always trust Google Maps.
So my drug dealer just died. I’m thinking about going to his funeral to, you know, network.
Why do people say they tried calling me? No, you did, in fact, succeed in calling. I just didn’t answer.
Me: After all these years, I feel like all you offer me is false support
Limb technician:…well it’s kinda my job Greg, otherwise you’d be hopping home.
I’m a Brit, you’re Canadian. Please don’t thank me for thanking you, I’ll only feel compelled to thank you back and before you know it we’ll have been at it all night.
when i die please avenge my death regardless of the circumstances
My toddler just told me I’m the best mummy ever because I “bought the good cheese for once” so I’ll be riding this high until her next tantrum