[1st date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Her: “I’m a Herpetologist.”
Me: “Great! [pulls pants down] How bad is this?”
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Bad enough that literally no one showed up for my Super Bowl party today, but now I can’t even find the game on tv to watch.
The thing about minigolf is you can only make the putt in 2 strokes or 16. There is no in between.
My liver’s so black, it went to a respected college, got a great job, and made it’s family very proud.
Weren’t expecting that, huh?
Racist.
Why is it called an intermittent cell phone signal and not barhopping?
They should do a mario kart but in real life, where fast cars race around a track and the person who finishes first is declared the winner.
I’m not sad, I’m big moaned
*sprinkles gummy bears on a caesar salad*
Prayers for my husband who texted back “k” when I said “Happy Anniversary, hoping for 25 more years!”
Your “poetic” tweets would be so much better if Adele hadn’t thought of them first
There are two wolves inside of us? I’m pretty sure I have 2 raccoons inside of me and they’re fighting over an old can of beans they found in the trash.
When one door closes another one opens. … Or you could just re-open the closed door. Because that’s how doors work…!!
Why do they make it so hard to dig the candy out of trail mix?
Banned from IKEA again because I keep asking staff awkward questions about the shelf life of shelves.
professor x: what’s your power
me: time travel and a full head of hair lol
professor x: get out
[5 seconds later]
professor x: what’s your power
me, wearing a hat: time travel
Sorry I didn’t make mashed potatoes. The potato masher was stopping me from opening the drawer.
[cat hospital]
Cat Nurse: Let’s get you prepped for surgery. *licks patient all over*
My fella asked me to name all my sexual partners. I took a couple of minutes to list them and eventually got to him. Should of stopped there
Why are you wearing that outfit again?
Me: Because I paid for it and I have a washing machine
Me: Ooh… This is a Kodak moment!
Son: A what?
Me: I want to get a Polaroid.
Son: A what?
Me: You sound like a broken record!
Son: A WHAT?
me: absolute shit technique
murderer: [stops stabbing me] what?
Parkour is the act of moving through an environment in the fastest way possible. It’s all about speed and efficiency.
Now imagine the opposite of that. The slowest, least efficient way, to get to where you need to go. That’s what happens when my kid says he’s taking a shortcut.
If you don’t have plans tonight, head to a crowded restaurant, stand up during the meal, and say “She said yes!”. Free applause and dessert. You’re welcome.
normalize having existential bread
I’d like to think that my exes see me as “the one who got away,” but it’s probably more like “the one who got away from the police.”
day 16 of being stuck in:
me: shall I have another glass of wine?
my wall: yes catherine splendid idea
Just got a “Great news!” text from Walmart and while I’m glad my package is out for delivery it’s not toilet paper and this isn’t 2020.
WIFE: Why do you waste money on useless things?
ME: [scraping the S and H off the side of my new School Bus] Maybe useless to you Sharon
Do these panties around my ankles make my eyes sparkle?
*pulls away from kissing, stares intently into his eyes
Your eyes are like pools of melted chocolate
Him: U started your diet, didn’t u
doctor: how are u
me: good
doctor: my wife left thanks for asking