I threw out a jar of expired protein powder and some jacked up raccoons beat the shit out of me a week later.
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99 out of 100 Planet F1tness employees don’t give a fuck. You could smoke a brisket in the locker room, they’re just gonna ride out their shift. That one percent tho…
Reporter: What can you tell us about the asteroid you recently discovered?
Astronomer: No, comet.
Me: I want us to get married.
Her: You’ll have to ask my dad first.
Me: Ok but he’s already married…
If you have to ask if it’s too early to drink…you’re an amateur & we can’t be friends
March 16
Everyone always tells me I look young for my age, especially since I started telling them that I’m 72
I realize that choosing a pasta can be a confusing and difficult decision, but for the love of all that is holy, move your cart to the side.
[courtroom]
Timothy: I was not involved
Victor: Nor was I
Lawyer: You could say it was a Vic-, Tim-less cri-
Judge: You’re all going to jail
Don’t forget to get your Valentine’s Day shopping done before Pete Davidson buys everything up.
Why is it called stupidity and not a total eclipse of the smart?
pretty drunk right now and wow there is a lot of gravity on this planet
Control this is astronaut Douglas sending transmission from the Milky Way..we have no signs of chocolate..or caramel..I’d like to come home
I’m at my most math when I solve a problem while creating three new ones.
I just dropped my phone in the toilet and for a second I stood over it and thought, “That’s where it belongs.”
*Checks out grocery item*
Grocery item: “I have a boyfriend.”
Life hack:
Do all the dishes after your kids go to bed so you can have clean silverware for the first 47 minutes of the next day.
Does Rapunzel use the shampoo “Head & Shoulders, knees & Toes.”
Mob boss: Feed him to the fishes
[Neil deGrasse Tyson bursts in out of breath]
Neil: Actually these fish feed off Copepod and plankton
Mob boss: Him too
My kitten has a lot of sass for someone that falls over still when she sneezes.
if something “takes the cake” that’s on you for not guarding said cake appropriately
Never underestimate what a woman will do for love.
[visits psychic]
*knocks on door*
Psychic: “who is it?”
Me: “well this is a bad start”
Cats be like “I know a spot” and proceed to take a nap on the important papers you are working on to meet a deadline.
My girlfriend said she bought the lingerie for me, but then got upset when I put it on… I dont get women.
*In church
9: [Whispers] Why do we have to keep sitting & standing and sitting & standing…
Me: [Whispers] So we don’t fall asleep
9: oh
one more hotdog left who wants it [jesus speed walks across jeff’s pool]
I love when my friends start selling weight loss shakes because that’s one less person I ever have to talk to again.
Hey Canadians, what’s the plural of ‘moose?’
Mooses?
Mooseses?
Meese?
Meeses?
Moosii?Asking for a friend.
It’s me.
I’m American.
A robot steals your job. It hurts, but that’s how the economy works. Nothing personal. The robot starts texting your wife.
If you die during a game of Duck Duck Goose, you become a victim of fowl play.