If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
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What do you call a priest that graduated from law school
Father in Law
Do not stop by my house unexpectedly then act surprised when I answer the door in my underwear eating baked beans straight from the can.
Don’t crossbreed an owl with a duck,
The offspring is naught but a schmuck,
You might start overjoyed,
But you’ll soon be annoyed,
By all the incessant wise quacks.
Stop screaming at me like you’re the only one who realizes our kitchen is on fire. The arrogance.
If we’re sharing dessert at a restaurant and you’re eating it at a quicker rate than me, I will kill you.
I took one of those DNA tests and found out I am 30% mashed potatoes.
Please help. My husband just started running. He runs in jeans. With a belt. I don’t have anyone I can talk to about this. I am so alone.
Goldfish1: Check out my new castle.
Goldfish2: Castles are symbols of feudalistic oppression of the agrarian working class.
Goldfish1: Calm down. Take a lap around the bowl.
[5 seconds later]
Goldfish2: Hey, cool castle!
that de-escalated quickly
[immigration hall]
Agent: are you traveling for business or pleasure?
Me, after flying 8 hours for revenge: both
“How about if I put a balloon over it? Would you touch it then?”
-guy who invented condoms
RIP that guy in the audience of the eric clapton unplugged session whose head literally exploded when he realized the song was “layla”
If you can’t be fun to be around then please be a drug dealer
Great. Ban gay marriage. Remember what happened during Prohibition? Now we’re going to have everyone making bathtub gay marriages.
“If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, getting up will surely blow it. If you’re happy and you know it, STAY IN BED!”
I still have made very little progress towards my life goal of being sawed in half by a magician
[At microphone]
*clears throat*
“Salsa. Ballet. Conga. Waltz. Jitterbug. Tap.”
*crowd cheers*
“Thanks for attending my dance recital.”
I try to live my life everyday as if it were my last. And who wants to do laundry on their last day? Not me…
Do you ever look at someone and think “god, you’re so amazing” I mean even when they’re sleeping and you’re hidden in their closet…
Cell Phone Manufacturers: We’re gonna release a brand new more advanced model.
Apple: We’re gonna release this shit in White. WHITE.
Everyone is exhausted by the pandemic, except my neighbor’s dog who has been barking non-stop since 2016.
It’s a doge eat doge world out there. Such cutthroat. Very survival of the fitter
[takes a drag from a cigarette] Her middle name was Danger. Her first name was Danger. Her last name was Danger. Her parents were stupid.
I hate this time of year when you have to check all your razors to make sure none of them are actually made of chocolate
That song stuck in my head is “Don’t Speak,” I’ve no doubt in my mind.
alcohol soaked fruit is still considered fruit though right
Me: You ate all the cookies and your sister got none. What does that tell you?
4-year-old: I won.
doctor: I’d like to give you something to help your anxiety
me: whose side are you on?
In pretty sure my wife’s most prized possession is her plastic bag full of other plastic bags.
I am 30 minutes into home schooling my 6 year old. I suggest that all school teachers are paid £1m per year from now on.