Will smith literally runs in every movie. Name one movie he didn’t run in. I’ll wait
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It has come to my attention that I may be the only person in the world that keeps gloves in my glove box.
She asked me to buy Tampons so I bought Kotex, because that one time I wanted ice cream and she bought frozen yogurt.
What part of watching dogs on skateboard makes YouTube ads think I’m in any position to buy the brand new Lexus?
“You know the speed limit here, son?”
45
“You know how fast you were going?”
88
“So where you off to in such a hurry?”
1985
My favourite movie romance is Keanu Reeves and Sandy Bullock in Speed because they meet by overcoming the greatest relationship hardship of all: when a woman is driving and a man is trying to give her directions
£900 pound for an iPhone 6?
Airplane mode better take me on holiday
As a reward for graduating high school, please accept this basket of live cobras.
A man tried to get a refund on a Tom and Jerry boxset because the storylines were “repetitive”
the most challenging thing I’ve done all week is explain to a 4 year old where he was in photos taken 7 years ago
My blow up doll has started wheezing and she’s loosing weight rapidly. Getting very concerned.
Bad credit? No credit? First time buyer? First time baby? No legs? 8 legs? You a spider? Are you a Spider trying to buy a house?
*runs in out of breath*
Friend: what’s going on?
Me: [heavy breathing] bear with me
Friend: Ok *waits*
*bear runs in, also out of breath*
[tour of zoo]
kid: “i think its a elephant”
me: “are you giving the tour”
kid:
me: “anyway as i was saying this is the big snake face thing”
My parents were going to name me after the city I was conceived in but neither of them knew how to spell Albuquerque.
The Great Wall of China is one of the 7 wonders of the world just because it’s a Chinese product that’s lasted more than a month.
Let’s all smash our hands together repeatedly to indicate that we enjoyed that thing.
when I was 12 or so my babysitter would always talk about this girl she used to babysit—how cool she was, how much she missed her—and it made me hate this girl out of pure childish jealously bc I wanted my babysitter to think *I* was cool. the other girl was Emma Stone however
[Using My Shrink Ray]
Me: I feel so small
Ray: *taking notes* Let’s explore that
Vote for me and I promise to make fast food places put menus in a place where you can figure out what you want BEFORE you get to the window.
Pre-surgery instructions: Do not wear makeup the day of surgery.
Surgeon: But I want to look pretty.
Sorry I started scratching your bug bite as I asked if it still itches.
Person: I saw an eagle on my hike today.
Me: Was it Don Henley?
ME: in closing, all of the facts I’ve presented today prove that Bush did 911
PRIEST: and now the bride will read the vows she has written
If you’ve ever wanted to take a tiny bag of poop on a tour of your neighbourhood, owning a dog might be right for you
If you wrap yourself up in a blanket, you can show up to work late and say you were just rescued by the Coast Guard.
*quits cold turkey*
*looks for ’emotionally available’ turkey*
The way my neighbors are making their trick-or-treating kids skip my door you’d think I was handing out ecstasy pills like last year.
When one happens upon a small spoon, the proper response is to become the big spoon. It is simply what one does at times like this. I am however sorry for having disturbed your crime scene, officer. I’ll see myself out.
Me: I need to get something off my chest
My conjoined twin: I HAVE A NAME