WebMD: you have all the diseases
Dark WebMD: and here’s how to spread them
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ME: *doing deadlifts* more weight
PALLBEARER: *reluctantly adds another body*
My mom always has these great sayings for life, like “Don’t count your chickens before they hatch” and “Everybody hates you.”
Please leave a message after the entire Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II soundtrack.
[roadtrip]
ME: I need a bathroom break
FRIEND: no stops for 2 hours, use that Gatorade bottle
ME: um…ok…now how am I supposed to wipe?
[ugly sweater contest]
*starts sweating*
*takes home the gold*
My neighbor told me his son watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth tomorrow?
i imagine the people who slaved for years perfecting the google search algorithm would be so mad knowing i mainly use it now for spellcheck
I hate it when I want wine and the wine home delivery man hasn’t been invented yet.
Shank you.
– a prison flick…or a grateful Sean Connery
Child: I’m scared.
Me: What? Why?
Child: I heard a cat screaming outside my window.
Me: It’s okay. Sometimes they do that when they are in heat.
Child: What does that mean?
Me:
Child:
Me: Well, when-
Wife [running in from other room]: IT’S WHEN THE CAT IS REALLY HOT
Mere moments after taking screen time away from my 6yr old as punishment I realized my grave mistake, the person really being punished was me.
first caveman to see fire: well this is a buncha bullshit that no one needs (stomps it out) and i predict that’s the last i’ll ever see of that
who will stop them
One time I got so nervous when a guy took off his pants in front of me I said “friggity diggity” please do not rt
Gentle reminder that you forgot to lock your door and I am in your living room
i don’t think it’ll all fit in there
No. YOU-buprofen.
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: please stop calling me that. My name is Susan
Me: I’ve been seeing spots lately.
Daughter: Have you seen a doctor?
Me: No, just spots.
Pro is good and con is bad, so they should rename the Constitution to Prostitutio-oh, never mind.
Me: I hate when corporate Twitter accounts pretend to be people
Amazon Prime: I was just saying this to my kids
i transcended “cat lady” 10 cats ago, i’m now “cat mother goddess” in some select circles. so worship meow!
ME: Where are the posters?
WIFE: THEY JUST DISAPPEARED!
[In other room]
*cat is furiously stuffing missing dog posters into paper shredder*
One time I tried to pull off the Ariana Grande cat ears but I just looked like Barf from Spaceballs.
handyman: figured out why your cupboard keeps opening
me: *nodding* ghosts
handyman: …this screw is loose
me: ah.
handyman:
me:
handyman:
me: how would a ghost get a screwdriver?
🙂🐾
Salesgirl: [handing me makeup samples] here are the freebies we promised you!
Me: [wearing my brand-new beekeeper’s suit] …oh
I like to go on job interviews wearing an eye patch and switch eyes when the interviewer looks down.
If anyone were to look at my bathroom they’d be positive some kind of a struggle took place.
But nope, it was just me getting ready.
me: make me the coolest guy
genie: ok all guys are now hotter than u
me: son of a