therapist: and what motivation will we use ?
me: hate fueled spite ?
therapist: no
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But of course I remember you!
Just not your name, or your face…
By age 30 you should have:
$3 in savings
$5,000 in credit card debt
Existential dread
A favorite spoon
One half-dead plant you feel really bad about because your mom keeps asking for grandkids but you’re not ready and you thought this basil plant would be a good place to start
Well there goes my Wednesday night.
Every year, falling coconuts kill more people than shark attacks, but the families of the shark victims are less embarrassed.
if you tell me to watch until the end, the end better be in five seconds
When kids ask for a lollipop after a haircut it’s fine, but apparently when an adult asks for one after “doing a really good job sitting” it’s frowned upon. Unfair.
The FBI’s terrorist hotline is not a place to chat with hot terrorists. I know that now.
When my evening plans are ruined, I pay it forward by texting “I’m pregnant” to random numbers.
“Is this InkJet any good?”
“Sure – we’ve sold it to royalty”
“Princesses?”
“Mate, it prints ALL the letters”
JUDGE: We’re gonna give you 2 months in jail for the cat pyramid scheme and-
ME: [clearing my throat] Purramid scheme, your honor
LAWYERS: …….
JUDGE: On second thought, we’re going to execute you
You know what really gets my goat? Chupacabras.
for $5 i will write “yikes” under one of your ex’s selfies
You would think with the whole “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” that there would be more body builders walking around.
1 rabbit can make 1,000+ babies in its life
DATE: how do you know that
*shouting over deafening hopping sounds from the attic* INTERNET
I can never remember. Is it stalactite or stalagmite that’s the bad one?
oh you love me? name every curb i’ve ever hit while driving
*throws all my dirty dishes in the trash*
Me: Alexa, order me new dishes.
Bank account: *shakes head furiously*
Me: sigh. *starts placing dishes in sink*
I tell people I rearrange my furniture to change things up, but we all know it’s to annoy my husband
Remember: It’s not stalking if you don’t see me.
[at the mall]
LITTLE KID: i’m lost
ME: you’re at the mall
I always text a girl 5 minutes after our first date ended and say ~ “I haven’t given up on us.”
You’re officially old when the lady who cuts your hair starts asking you if you would like her to trim your eyebrows and ears
…yes please
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done.
Me: *checking in mirror* But I still look the same?
Genie: yes, but just wait until you see everybody else.
I remember back in the day when you had to roll up a tiny scroll and give it to a falcon to tweet
Me: C’mon, baby. Just the tip?
Her: No!
Me: Awww, cmon!
Her: No, you’re paying the whole bill this time.
What’s the difference between a guy wearing a bullet proof vest and the English football team? The guy would survive the first round.
I will never forget the time that I helped interview a man for a job opening and when he was asked what he would contribute to the team he said “probably snacks”
My super power is being able to sing along to Pearl Jam without knowing a single word
“Tell me about yourself”
Well, I’m a Canadian-
“Oh yeah? Tell me a joke funnyman”
Whoa. I guess one dude quit: