“I’m sure it’ll turn up” – Translation: I’m bored of helping you look.
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I’m not leaving a will. My final act will be giving my family one more thing to fight about.
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
I want a 21 cinnamon bun salute at my funeral.
Me: did I pass?
Driving instructor: *swimming away* no
me: haha wow, you *really* seem to like my eyes
optometrist: again, please hold still
Stop trying to eat garlic bread with your elbow!
…and other things I never said before having kids
theory: eating m&ms one at a time will decrease my chances of eating them all in one sitting and feeling terrible later.
findings: I am going to barf very soon.
Met my step goal stirring extra cheese into my Fettuccine Alfredo. Follow me for more exercise tips.
If she didn’t reply to any of your 20 texts, she probably doesn’t have good cell service. Definitely don’t stop texting her
My walk of shame is in the Halloween candy aisle at Walmart because I already ate what I was supposed to give out to the trick-or-treaters.
My wife and I are walking through Central Park and pointing out all of the places that we remember seeing dead bodies on Law & Order.
I love when people spend 7 minutes trying to back into a parking space just so they can leave “quicker”
Someone should figure out how to turn children arguing into energy. We would be able to power the whole damn world.
Decided don’t want to have children. Wonder if the wife will accept my decision. Suppose the kids may not be best pleased either.
[Zoom call]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: [going to the bathroom]
Boss: Can you hear me?
Me: [getting another beer]
Boss: I think he’s on mute.
Me: [getting chips]
Boss: Hello?
Me: sorry I was on mute
DOG: *prancing and enthusiastically wagging*
WIFE: the dog got the mail again
ME: damn, why does she only chew up the ones addressed to me?
WIFE: because she knows you hate bills
ME: …
DOG: *still wagging*
ME: WHO’S A GOOD GIRL?!
Imagine kissing a frog and it turns into a Prince. Like, great, now I gotta go find another sexy frog
To the people who have lost one shoe on the side of the road…
Are you okay? How does that even happen?
My kids bought a huge bag of flour, yet I don’t see any baking going on…are they waiting for me? They’re waiting for me, aren’t they?
Fun Fact: If you hear small kids running around laughing hysterically, within 2 min. at least one will be on the floor crying hysterically.
Diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
Retweet this if you want to be abducted by aliens.
Me: what was with King Solomon having 300 concubines?
Bible scholar: it’s a mistranslation
[Flashback]
King Solomon: more porcupines
i quit boxing the moment i realized my opponent was allowed to punch me in the face too
My teenage son says that fanny packs are back in style at his high school. I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS MOMENT MY ENTIRE LIFE!
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
Boeing: we fixed all the problems
Passengers: is that Flex Seal?
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
Orangutan coworkers be like “What did you have for lunch? I had two oranges, one apple, one coconut, two mangos, three limes, ten lemons, one papaya, a guava, fifty five grapes, and ten kiwis”