[at doctor’s office]
Nurse: You may get undressed now.
Me: [rips off tear away pants]
Nurse: Most people wait until I’m out of the room but okay.
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[interview]
BOSS: So you have zero experience?
ME: Hire me & I’ll give u a sweet nickname
B: That’s absurd..
ME: Lazerwolf
B: Welcome aboard
“Are you talking back to me?” “Mom, that’s how a conversation works.”
*First and last date:
“Wanna see my rain predictin’ knee?”
Really not a fan of the wind. Why is the air in such a hurry? You’re outside already, where else are you even trying to get to?
Put me in your bio so I know it’s real… Just kidding, I’d rather be in your will.
I’ve decided I’m not going to let my teen’s attitude get to me today, and so far I’m doing really well with it.
She’s not awake yet.
[airport security]
wife: *fidgeting with wedding ring*
me: *emptying my cargo shorts pockets*
tsa agent:
tsa agent: why so many gameboys
Them: you can’t handle this d…
Me:
The neighbor is having an open home
How long should I stand at my front door naked yelling at birds?
Maybe Bowser is mad at Mario because he’s terrible at plumbing, flooded with castle with lava, and left exposed unfinished pipes everywhere…
Murder of crows on trial according to the probable caws statement.
Just finished a series of paintings of mass murderers. A friend wants to put them on display but I think hanging’s too good for them.
My 4-year-old asked me what my name was when I was a kid and she was not ready for the wild coincidence when I told her I was also named Kristen as a child
Jesus: One among you will betray me.
John: No way dude.
Matthew: No way dude.
Judas: *thumbing through designer cross catalogue* Plausible.
Yes, it might be the wrong word but at least it is spelled correctly
– autocorrect
“This is a robbery! Be cool and nobody gets hurt!”
ME: *starts vaping*
To err is human, to eh is Canadian.
You can’t hurt my feelings, pffft, I have three kids
Just saw a mail truck drive by on a Sunday, I assume it was full of either FBI agents or jewel thieves
Him: I missed a flight once and that plane crashed
Me: *nodding* Yeah, I bought cashews once and didn’t notice they were unsalted until just before I paid
To animals (lizards?) that prey on mosquitoes: You guys need anything? Ice? More towels? Tickets to Cirque du Soleil?
my roofing company has gone bankrupt. I kept saying “this one’s on the house” every time I finished a roof, how could i be so stupid
“After 30 years at my stepdad’s carpentry business I needed a change.”
Current forecast: 3-6 inches of 🔥🔥🔥🔥
Coworker: Are you into heavy metal?
Me: Uranium is OK I guess.
C:
M:
C:
M:
C: I like Metallica.
That’s not even on the periodic table
Maid of Honor speeches shouldn’t end with, “I’ll see you all at her next one.” I know that now.
“Trust issues? HAHAHAHAHA”
–Pluto, the former planet
Frogs always look like they just found out there’s no free Wi-Fi.