Some would call it a well set out plan for the future.
The judge, however called it compelling evidence
*eye roll*
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Desperate is following a fake Charlize Theron account with one follower that’s a bot.
Want to play doctor? You be the patient, I be the lobotomist.
I put the clean laundry pile on my bed so I’d be motivated to fold it and have a place to sleep. So after a few nights sleeping on the couch I started scooping all the laundry up in my quilt, setting it on the floor, then putting it back on the bed in the morning.
Wife: “Tony is coming round”
Me: “Charity collector Tony or Mafia boss Tony?”
Tony: “I’m here for the money.”
*DRAMATIC CLIFFHANGER*
His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy. There’s vomit on his sweater already. WebMD: TYPHOID FEVER
DON’T INTERRUPT ME!!!
(me, in a drunken argument with your dog)
funny how dumbass pet animals will eat the same thing every day without realizing that Subway® offers over 19 different ways to Eat Fresh™
If you’re looking for some alone time away from your family, start telling them a story about a great deal you got on something you bought using coupons.
If you start to miss your family and want them to come back, get yourself a snack, open a book, or make a phone call.
Most couples have at least one odd bit of cutlery in their cutlery drawer that they presume belongs to their partner, which is why it’s fun to sneak odd bits of cutlery into your friends’ cutlery drawer when you visit.
I hate when ppl put group pics on tinder like how am I supposed to know which one’s Bret
the whole world: we might not recover from the covid era for another 2 to 3 years these are truly dark times
marketing people:
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
Me: I’ll cook breakfast
Wife: Whatcha making?
M: Poached eggs on brioche with pancetta & hollandaise
W: REALLY?
M: No. One Pop Tart or two?
How to apply mascara:
Pull wand from tube
Open your eyes like a haunted doll coming to life
[Corporate Olive Garden meeting, 1985]
Jesus: Let’s do unlimited breadsticks.
CEO: How can we supply that many?
Jesus: *winks at camera*
Don’t be a doormat for people to walk all over. Be a FAKE doormat over a trapdoor that leads to a secret pit of cobras.
“We run a tight ship” barked the captain, his shoulders barely getting thru the doorway “Real tight.”
he turns sideways to fit down the hall
I went with 4 to the supermarket and she insisted on pushing the trolley. Every time I went to help she yelled at me so I’d just like to apologise to the 382 people she injured while we were there
We’re just a typical family. My wife is in the kitchen baking her secret recipe cupcakes and my sons are outside lighting the shed on fire.
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
*watching movie with demon killer clown*
Me to husband: Ridiculous, so unbelievable! Did you see the size of that kid’s bedroom
I must be an amazing singer… My daughter is so moved by the music, she’s rocking and crying in the corner.
My bathroom mirror after a long party weekend: girl, those vitamins can’t help you now
Everyone on this train is pretending like a hotdog didn’t just fall out my pocket.
Yeah….seems legit. *dusts off hands* another customer satisfied.
My 3-year-old stubbed his toe and then cried and screamed I’M DYING,” so I silently looked at my husband and he sighed and said, “I know. He got that from me.”
Conjunctivitis implies the existence of projunctivitis.
Inflation pfft, the worst part of going shopping is all the stupid people in the store.
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.