Wish I was as brave as my kid who just ate zero bites of her dinner and then asked for a snack 6 minutes after the table was clear.
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“Dad can we get a puppy?”
“No but we can get a submarine if you like?”
[2 hours later 3000m beneath the pacific]
“dad I should be at school”
HER: [flirting] I bet you have a lot of skeletons in your closet.
ME: Haha no. Those bodies won’t show their skeletons for months.
I was just shushed.
*sharpening knife*
I’ve been turning my clocks back a minute per day for the last 59 days so this shit is going to be smooth sailing for me, suckers.
California can go years without rain. My moving days? Pouring
Capitalist: Hi
Anti-Capitalist: hi
“I’m great in bed” ~ breakfast
[sees man with a dracula tattoo] *whispers to self* vamp stamp
Astronaut: I never loved you
Me: how could you say that?
Astronaut: it’s the truth
Me: no I mean like, sound doesn’t travel in a vacuum
Interview:
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
*I look at my watch then lean in*
How much time do you have?
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
COW: Was I speeding?
COP: No
COW: Is it because I’m a c–
COP: It’s because you’re a cow.
The worst thing about owls is the way they can maintain eye contact when you put them in a microwave.
Me: Siri, what is happiness?
Siri: [in Batman voice] You will never know.
I changed the pictures in the bathroom a year ago, my toddler just realized, your understanding is appreciated as she goes through this hard time
MARY: Well, I just had a baby… in a barn. So, thanks to everyone who brought gifts. The gold, the perfumes. All things babies love.
Also the child who inexplicably played drums, like, right in my face.
This…this was great.
*swallows pride*
*gets aggressively escorted from the zoo*
Scenes around 10 Downing Street tonight 😅 Congratulations England, richly deserved 👏🏽🏆 #PAKvENG #T20WorldCupFinal
I can’t afford a security system so I’ve just stopped greasing the hinges on my doors
Good grief, did you see that, Hans? A time traveller just appeared, shot Adolf and left again. I mean I know his paintings are shit but WTF
Boss: Working at home is the same as working on location. Our technology will alert us if your computer screen goes into sleep mode, so don’t get distracted from your job.
[ working from home ]
Me:
[son sees me sleeping outside]
son: did you call mom the n word again
me: but she IS a nagger
Sad that Batman’s never seen a PG movie b/c he never had parental guidance
Me, a 40-year-old woman: I really hope I get an A on my daughter’s second grade school project
My spirit animal is a hamster named Bob.
He used to be a regular hamster named Bob.
But, I kinda forgot to feed him for a couple of weeks.
I’ve folded seven page corners of the book I’m reading. That’s 49 in dog ears.
I once confused a tube of superglue with a tube of lube.
It was horrible.
My model plane kept slipping apart
Office Tip: If you have an even slightly more advanced understanding of Excel, do not, I repeat, do not share this secret with your coworkers.
me when I get my period: why am I eating & crying so much? is my depression worsening? What if im dying??? Omg im dying this is how I die. I die soon.
me later that night: dude ur not dying this is literally what ur period is. every single time.
*next period*
why am I eating & cr
Son: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [frantically swatting away bees because my bald spot makes me look like a flower from behind]: yes it’s great