Never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry.
Also, don’t go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
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[working at a candle factory, day four]
ME: we’re all gonna have another meltdown amirite wait where is everyone going
Snakes are terrifying because they can’t trip and fall over shit. No creature should possess such power.
HER: OMG Thats not going to fit
HIM: Just relax. I’ll go slow
HER: If you’re sure…
HIM: [severely damages surrounding cars while parking]
[little snake covering himself with glue before school so his crush will think he started shedding]
While the loss of Bruce Wayne’s parents was tragic, I’m grateful it happened decades ago and not in 2023 because he just would’ve become a true crime podcaster.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: I was going too fast?
Cop: Yes, you’ll get brain freeze
Me: [eats ice cream slower]
37yo husband just bought himself clothes from Hollister. Please keep my family in your thoughts during this difficult time.
me: “so when do you think we’ll see a big hairy boy?”
my hunting partner: “please call them bears”
Skills
In hell, your mouth is always freshly brushed & minty, and all they have to drink is orange juice.
9YO: What will we be watching for the the family movie night
Me: Hang on, give me a…
7YO *sighs*: … We’ll be watching daddy play 24 trailers and then fall asleep
Friend: what are u doing
Me: training my pet rock
Friend: that’s dumb
Pet Rock: *leaps from my hand & hits him in the face*
Me: no rocky, no
Emotions so raw, Gordon Ramsay makes a clever joke about them.
*first day in prison
*walks up to biggest guy
*asks for WiFi password
(texting gf) In uber. Be home soon. Cant wait to see you (accidentally pressing dictation button) Ohhhh i want a hamburger so bad. Hot dog too. Ohh man I want a mcchicken. me too. Woww I want a burger. Yeah I want a cheeseburger too. Ohhh wow me too. I want a hot dog.With the bun
“Sir… your family is dead. APRIL FOOLS!!!! Kidding!!! Your son made it! He’s in a coma! OMG You shoulda seen your face!”
– Worst ER doc
I want to be featured on the news and the caption below me to read *unintelligible screaming*.
Eating vegetables after a failed attempt at picking up your shirt with your toes.
*whispers* forlorn corn.
so i told my boyfriend i was having my period and he said “Again?”
you know what, you’re right im going to cancel that monthly subscription
I’m in a long distance relationship. My girlfriend’s in the future.
One time an orca befriended me and then tried to steal my boyfriend
My memory is pretty bad until I’m pissed off, and then you are in for quite the surprise.
Wife: for the last time buy a terrarium
Me: [drops 7 lizards into my shirt] why they already have a home
me: thinking about getting into necrophilia
her: over my dead body
me: that’s the spirit
I would have loved to have been there when Mary and Joseph tried to explain to Jesus where babies come from.
Breaking: It’s snowing where some people live and not snowing where other people live. More about this in 10 minutes on Facebook News.
Me: [stands under majestic tree watching leaves fall] This is beautiful
[2 hours later buried under a mountain of leaves] you piece of shit
Marriage tip: There is never an appropriate time after a meal your wife cooked to say “This is not what Jesus died for”.
When a man reaches 50, he starts to realize he’s got only 6 or 7 more Batmans left.
Flatulent: (n.) a small apartment in Brooklyn you let a friend borrow