“Paper beats rock, Charles!”
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I’m going to need all parents to listen to me when I say “LOOK AT THE DIMENSIONS OF THE DOLLHOUSE BEFORE PURCHASING”.
Just trust me on this one.
Signed,
Proud owner of a small house that would probably fetch $1100/month on Zillow.
When ur friends with white people
Nothing works harder than my sports bra when I’m chasing the ice cream truck.
Me, gently telling my kids that I ate the rest of the ice cream: Your dad ate the rest of the ice cream.
Right about now, family members all over the country are realizing the Starbucks cards I gave them for Christmas are empty.
If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
I think Grandma enjoyed giving everyone the wrong impression saying her friend Iris died by the needle when she was actually stabbed during knitting club.
(Seeing an old friend) do you still have your birthday at mcdonalds
Filed a restraining order against Starbucks. Creepy. Every time I turn around, there they are.
My wife and I met at a ‘Make a Jelly in the Shape of a US President’ class, and I knew she was the one, from the moment I set Eisenhower.
I’ll never understand why anyone would want to kidnap a child, kids suck.
[First Date]
Her: Your Tinder profile says you’re a great listener
Me: Really. Ugh. That’s a typo. It should say I’m a “great listener.”
People will tell you daughters are less gross than sons.
My daughters started a snail zoo. There are snails everywhere.
In one class I have a Bella, an Ella, an Eli and an Ellie. Say those names quickly three times in a row and Bloody Mary appears to steal your freshly sharpened pencils.
People outside of NYC: TERRORISM!!!!!
New Yorkers: Dude’s a loser with a crappy bomb who’s crowning life achievement is making my train 36 minutes late.
People who like to ask, “What do you like to do for fun?” are the reason I carry an air horn in my purse.
Me:*smashes car window to rescue baby*
Her:”WTF I was getting the stroller from the trunk!”
Me:”Yeah, but you had Coldplay on the radio.”
Waiter, Waiter, I would like some lamb chops and make them lean.
Certainly Sir, forwards or backwards?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
You: Say something good about 2020
Me: Haven’t been invited to a single wedding this year.
Letting my cat know in a positive way that he’s looking very round today.
hmmm public speakimg clases..? well do u hav private speakimg clases? bc i hav a secret *leans in close to u* I NEVER LEARNED HOW TO WHISPER
I’ve been waiting for the perfect time to change my Netflix password so my ex can’t use it anymore and it doesn’t really get much better than a national lockdown
Me: I need to start buying gifts for people; Christmas is coming up.
Also me: *buying myself a Burr Coffee Grinder* I’m technically people, so….
Me: Want me to carry you?
4-year-old: This time, I’ll carry you!
*tries to lift me*
4: Never mind. You’re fat.
My wife’s returning today after an 8-day trip, so I should probably dampen the kitchen sponge and re-position it.
Two words: Egg Newtons™
Hard boiled eggs with a delicious fig filling.
Before I proposed to my GF I asked her father but he was already married.
Reporter: so what is it like being in Maroon 5 when you’re not Adam Levine, um Mr. Uh-
*quickly googles for his name but google has no idea*
Cookie Monster: C is for cookie, that’s good enough for me
Spelling bee judge: You have to do the whole word