[killer enters home in middle of night]
ME: Who goes there?
KILLER: Haha
ME: What
KILLER: Who still says “Who goes there”
ME: Ok laugh it up
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I don’t see the point of being a godmother if the kid refuses to kiss my ring. I mean, what the hell?
He said: “Tell me Baby…am I your first?”
She said: “What? Like…today?”
7: so those people think belle is weird because she’s walking around?
me: i guess so
7: and because she likes books?
me: um…yeah
7: but at least she’s pretty right?
me: …let’s watch moana instead
Whenever I’m sharing an elevator and someone reaches for the panel I gently push their hand down and say “no.”
10 years ago parents were like “be careful what you put on the web” and we were all “lol. old people.” now none of us can ever be President.
It’s so weird to call it the “mall”. In Scotland we are very creative, we call one store a “shop” and many stores “the shops”.
It is estimated that, on average, American children spend nearly 40% of their waking hours Not Gaming. That number is even worse among marginalized communities. I refuse to accept this in the richest country in the world.
confronts reality
pokes it in the eye
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
If my dog goes missing I have 3,789,897 current photos. If my kids go missing I have 3 photos from 5 years ago.
No, I don’t want to say where I got these scratches. On an unrelated note, if you wondered how many squirrels fit in a pillowcase, it’s 9.
[hands mom flowers on Mother’s day]
thanks for a life of sacrifice, these cost me twenty bucks
I’m sick of men’s 3-in-1 body wash shampoo and conditioner. Throw toothpaste in there.
“Oh man, that thing looks irritated”
– me, pulling into the airport parking lot and seeing my mother-in-law waiting on the curb
Accidentally dropped a magic mushroom in my cats litter box & now he’s laying across the driveway staring at the stars & quoting Kierkegaard
A good friend loves you and supports you, but a really good friend will hand you a block of cheese and then respectfully look away
Me: why do bad things happen to good people?
God: *reveals image of me jerking off to April from Ninja Turtles*
Me: oh
God: *nods solemnly*
It’s like nobody in this McDonalds has seen a guy spreading marmalade on a Big Mac before.
Toddlers be like, “excuse me madam that’s my emotional support Walmart receipt.
I was very proud of myself for eating a healthy dinner. So naturally I rewarded myself with a bowl of ice cream.
If you aren’t tying damsels in distress to railroad tracks while laughing maniacally, your curly moustache is going to waste
Lead me not into temptation. Take my hand and I’ll show you a shortcut.
doctor: your blood tests came back positive
me: oh thank god, I have real blood
My husband pissed me off so I made him his favorite chocolate chip cookies and used black beans instead of chocolate
I’ve been married for about 45 lbs.
My Mexican dad before we went to go see Wakanda Forever: so Namor, it means like “no love?” Is that part of his character?
Me: no dad, that’s just been the character’s name since 1939.
Namor in the movie: so I took that as my name, “Namor,” the child without love!
My dad:
Have you ever considered, that if there is a God, same sex attraction was created to prevent the overpopulation of unloved children? I have.
“wfh”
what it means: work from home
what my brain sees: what fthe hell?
*moonwalks into office* *draws dual finger guns* *fires off seven shots at Annie from HR* *holsters guns* *gets chosen for random drug test*
Bake cookies and the house smells good for 20 minutes.
Bake fish and 4 months later the house still smells like an episode of Deadliest Catch.