Get your employees to work harder by “accidentally” leaving articles on the printer about reducing staff.
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Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
My apartment is a mess, I should move
How to fix something:
-Say “let’s have a look”
-Describe the brokenness
-Break it a bit more
-Say “nah it’s broken”
-Place hands on hips
[first day as a director]
me, right after a scene ends perfectly: aaaaaand cup
HONEY I ACCIDENTALLY FILLED THE BABY’S BOTTLE WITH RED BULL
Oh god, is he sick
HE’S GOT ME IN A HEAD LOCK AND IS SAYING I’M A NERD. CALL 911
But most of all, I regret that my actions have led to negative consequences for me
A fun thing to say when someone asks if you have a sec is “I have a lot of secs.” Then wink. Then fill out sexual harassment paperwork.
If you say “NO YOURE UNDER ARREST” the cop legally has to get in the back of your car.
When someone says they were shook, I presume they meant as a baby.
ME: I’m hungry. I think I’ll get McDonald’s.
HER: Aren’t you on a diet?
ME: OK. I’ll only get one McDonald.
My name in Grease would be ChoRizzo.
* Runs Baywatch-style into oncoming traffic *
I was going to wash my car in my driveway but then I realized I don’t own a halter top or cut-off shorts.
Dammit.
inventing words: clothing
I just did my own taxes for the first time and I’m glad I did because I’m getting 8 million dollars back this year!
There’s no “I” in angel.
But there is one in devil!
This new sauté pan and I have vastly different definitions of non stick.
If you say the word “Pinterest” near me in a face to face physical human setting, I will kick you in your poo-hole.
#HighSchoolTaughtMe how to solve any math word problem
Top 5 Zones
5 – Twilight
4 – O
3 – End
2 – In the
1- Cal
Absolutely noone:
Americans: I took French at school but all I can remember is fromage.
The movie Speed, except this bus driver apparently thinks we’ll blow up if he goes over 15 mph.
[Movie: Romance]
Him: [*At Airline Ticketing Counter] I need to get on the next flight to NY to tell my soulmate I love her!
Airline Clerk: That’ll be $4,433.56…
Him: K… forget it…
My family used to move a lot when I was a kid, but I always found them.
the council will decide your fate
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 7 times you must be a car that looks like mine in the mall parking lot
I tried being a Disney Princess but them damn budgies keep loading the dishwasher wrong
There is no worse place to receive bad news than sitting in a beanbag chair.
I just wish my ex husband could look down from Heaven and see me now. But no, he’s still alive.