Friend: Ugh, this is going to cost an arm & a leg.
Me: *pats backpack* I’ve got you covered. The hospitals just throw these things out.
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My wife and I are having a fitness competition. She is out running, and I am wondering if the dog will drink Red Bull and wear my tracker.
Now that replies are broken this feels like a good time to let everyone know that I’ve always thought Buffalo sauce is sour trash.
No pants were worn during the making of this tweet.
Most airlines will give you a complimentary bag of pretzels and a full can of soda, except for flights to Minneapolis. Those ones only serve mini sodas
God, grant me the serenity to yell at immigrant children, the courage to still say I’m a Christian, and the ignorance to not get the irony.
So many friends have kids now it’s tough to meet for coffee, let alone carry out the greatest casino heist the world has ever known
Me- Look at the beautiful Christmas lights kids!
My husband- Woo buddy, I’d love to see their electric bill
cat: psst it’s 5am time to feed me
me: no go away
cat: okay *proceeds to step directly on my bladder* oops my bad
Cinderella is my favorite story about choosing a spouse based on shoe size.
Nice try “Marco Rubio” — or should I say…
[rearranges letters]
“BIRAC UBOMA”
[audience gasps]
Anything can be a flamethrower if you set it on fire and then throw it
Love how Scooby-Doo has the ability to speak and the mystery gang is like nbd
Why a man would want a wife is a big mystery to some people.
Why a man would want two wives is a bigamystery.
Govt: How many dependents do you have?
Me: 7
Dependents: [dogs in baby clothes]
My husband has been hiccuping for almost an hour now. I’d scare him, but we ate chili earlier.
Do you guys ever throw blankets over your dogs so there’s little angry ghosts running around your house for a minute?
i order my girl scout cookies from several different girl scouts so nobody has a full count of the boxes i’ve eaten i don’t have time for that negativity it’s cookie season goddammit
Man: “If I did not know about God and sin, would I go to hell?” Priest: “No, not if you did not know.” Man: “Then why did you tell me?”
I’m out of tweets so I’m recycling some of my most dope MySpace status updates.
It’s a real shame Friday doesn’t come as quick as I do
Being a woman means owning ten bras. One you wear six days a week. One is on emergency reserve in case you have to leave the house on laundry day. And the rest exist to take up space in your already overstuffed underwear drawer.
I only treason on days ending in y
😅😅😅
This Halloween, I’m going as the one thing more unsettling than a serial killer: someone interested in serial killers
Does anyone want a free microwave? Contact me. We can talk about how we both want a free microwave
My husband gets me to scream his name by doing his signature move of not leaving any toilet paper in the bathroom.
I backed my car away from the intersection so a jogger could run by and they waved at me THREE times.
In my head, we are now married and have two children, Charles and Ariel.
Today’s Times
Oh, you carry a pack of cigarettes rolled up in your T-shirt sleeve..? That’s how I carry my mini babybel.
Tomorrow implies the existence of Frommorrow. And also Tomorcolumn. And Tomandrow! Man, these daiquiris are strong…