Relationship Status: Just asked the bag of Doritos laying in bed next to me if they had enough room
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True story: A coworker once asked if I’d seen her earmuffs. Noticing she was actually wearing them, I said, “I think the boss said he found a pair. Go ask him.” (I’m evil.) 😆
I wish I was as committed to anything the way infomercial actors are committed to over dramatizing their reaction to household chores.
I like to shout, “ohh it burns!” while using a public restroom.
My mom: The liberals in California are rubbing off on you.
Me: I know, it keeps getting in my hair.
(silence)
I threw my bra on stage at a concert once. It landed somewhere in the flute section.
a deranged scientist in every rickety old house on top of every hill on the outskirts of every town. that’s my promise, should i be elected
I just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome. It was terrible at first but by the end I kind of liked it.
Dunkin Donuts gives you zero or fifty nine napkins, there is no in between.
I haven’t seen a kid on a leash in a while. I guess parents started releasing them back into the wild.
Spending so much time together is reviving old grievances. my husband has new questions about the time I burned a large hole in his favorite pillow with the iron
[at the pearly gates]
I said, “send me a selfie.”
Then she said, “too ugly today.”
So I said, “never stopped you before”
…& here I am.
My favourite movie romance is Keanu Reeves and Sandy Bullock in Speed because they meet by overcoming the greatest relationship hardship of all: when a woman is driving and a man is trying to give her directions
Is your girlfriend wife material? I’m building a giant wife.
After Samsung phones, now Samsung washing machines are exploding. Samsung is now the third biggest nuclear power after US and Russia.
There are two types of people in this world:
1)People who tried to move an object with their mind at least once
2)Liars
Star Wars Episode 7? What’s next, Star Wars Episode 8???
[at the general store]
me: one general please
Lately *certain* individuals have been making very hurtful remarks about my personal choice to wear mittens rather than gloves.
But I don’t like to point fingers.
The cartoon character I most resemble is Jessica Rabbit.
I’m kidding, it’s Betty Boop.
Okay, Hello Kitty.
Fine. Miss Piggy.
Ursula.
[in someone else’s master bathroom]
5-year-old: They have two sinks.
Me: Yeah.
5: One for each hand.
I left a small container filled with cheerios outside in my garden for the squirrel begging for food and he stole the container, spilling cheerios all over and I don’t know, was I just robbed?
[phone]
Me: Oh wow I love your voice
Her: Thanks!
Me: And your accent is so cool, are you from the south?
Her: Good guess!
Me: Oh yeah I love it down there, the weather, the food!
Her: Me too! It’s the best!
Me: It really is
Her: Anyway what’s your emergency
Me: I’ve been stabbed
very cute girl told me she liked my briefcase and asked if I could text her a link and I said “oh it’s just on Amazon you can find it pretty easy” and then walked away
please lobotomize me
I love those friendships that are based on a shared admiration for wood chippers and deep freezers.
If I could just figure out how to decorate piles of laundry, my house would look AMAZING during Christmas.
I’m no psychic but I can tell you that pristine white furniture set you just bought for your baby’s room ain’t gonna look like that for long.
30% of Satan’s workday is responding to accidental summonings caused by predictive typing.
[At historic site]
Guide: Questions?
Me: What’s the wifi password?
G: I meant about 19th century life.
M: Oh….Dost thou have thy password?
I should be able to preheat my bed like an oven