taking myself on a date tomorrow I really hope I put out
You Might Also Like
If a vampire is also a doctor, an apple is as effective as garlic
hey idiots you don’t have to go back in time to kill hitler he’s already dead
The Chinese New Year is almost here. I know they’re in another time zone, but 2 months behind seems a little extreme.
The company hates when I helicopter into work.
It’s always, “zip up your pants and go see HR now!”
As an imaginary forensic pathologist I’m pretty disappointed in how many full fingerprints I left on the scotch tape while wrapping presents.
RIP boiling water. You will be mist.
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im a grown up. it’s my STOMACH that hurts because I had too many sweets without mothers permission
Good things about drinking on the plane:
1. You don’t have to drive.
2. No matter how much you drink, they can’t throw you out.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 7
They go after the guy who has killed 1000s of turtles
The Ninja Turtles corner him
Mario jumps on them all
*through a mouthful of Nutella*
Oh, yeah, healfy eafing is sufer imfortant to me.
Kids don’t care what their parents do or have done in life. I could cure cancer and my kids would be like LET ME TALK TO YOU ABOUT MINECRAFT, PEASANT
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
Playing doctor with my 3yo and I’ve been diagnosed as “barely alive” and this pretend play has become wildly realistic.
Just texted her “thanks for choking on me” I meant “checking” but kinda curious what the response is gonna be.
you knew the backstreet boys were actually friends because when the one boy asks if hes “sexual” the rest of the boys all agree that he is
If you’re 6’5” tall and drop something, I imagine you just keep walking, like “yeah, THAT’s gone now…”
If you’re wondering about who the oldest James Bond was, don’t google ‘old man bond age’
Just saw the new Avengers & the audience went NUTS when Shrek showed up & saved the day.
Nobody drops pianos on people like they used to and that’s a shame.
I wouldn’t mind being catcalled if it were useful: “Hey baby, boot sale at Macy’s!” or, “Line’s shorter at Starbucks on 5th, sweet cheeks!”
him: almost every joke has been told before. gotta be creative with delivery
me: gotcha
[later]
me, in fancy dress: *rings his doorbell holding a pizza*
What
An example of men’s inability to understand women – Me: I have Nothing To Wear!! Him: Awesome!
Me as a teen: Only 150 hours?
Me as an adult: I will literally pay you more money to make this game shorter
Just enjoy the pool, I don’t need to see a picture of your feet by it.
If you’re on the fence about having kids, repeat “Put your shoes on, please” 100 times in a row until you’re in a blinding rage & see if it’s right for you.
first time in subway and the worker took a picture of my order 😭😭 am I doing this wrong
My parents told me I could be anything I wanted so I became unacceptable
Me: what’s the weather like?
Mom: just open the door and find out
Me: *opens cargo hatch and is sucked out of airplane* it’s
W
I
N
D
ᴰ
ʸ
ʸ
ʸ
When people ask me “plz” because its shorter than “please”.. I just tell them “no” because its shorter than “yes.”