ME: we need to talk
BOYFRIEND: I agree. I was thinking—
ME: the fact that Rudolph’s nose was shiny says nothing about its actual luminosity & if it DID glow, red is the least bright light that human eyes see which is why it’s used in observatories. It wouldn’t help Santa at all
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It’s a good thing we invented calculus before we invented software patents otherwise every time anyone wanted to calculate the center of a mass we’d have to pay the Newton Estate like 12 cents.
I’m not saying it rains a lot in the UK, but I am amazed we don’t get more medieval-style terrified by the occasional snatched glimpses of a giant ball of fire in the sky.
Kellogg’s CEO just sent a company wide email telling all employees they have till 5pm tomorrow to decide if theyre ready to go ‘coocoo for cocoa puffs’ or take severance
Katy Perry is such an inspiration to all those young girls out there who want to grow up and ride giant golden tigers.
me: can I wish for infinite wishes?
genie: no, you only get 3
me: I wish 3 meant infinite
genie:
me:
genie: *sigh* alright what else?
me: telephones but for dogs.
Alanis Morissette: It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a knife.
Spoons R Us clerk: Ma’am, nobody asked you to shop here.
I suspect that the deep state is using nanotechnology to make my underwear tighter and I don’t like it.
DOG BOSS: ur fired
ME: wait, is there any way you’ll reconsider?
DOG BOSS: no
ME: u want to go for a ride in the car
DOG BOSS: *tilts head*
Airbud being shut down by the oppositions new defender, the vacuum.
[robbing a bank]
I would like to withdraw everything (narrows eyes) illegally
Ann: I wanna break up
Ed: why?
A: you use time travel to manipulate me
E: when, exactly, did you start to suspect this?
A: well… Hey!
I once went out with a girl that said she was flexible like a Slinky. Two flights of stairs later, I decided she wasn’t.
Just got my second Covid vax. So now I’m going to need another excuse for why I’m not having sex.
Cat burglar: Quietly steals all your valuables
Dog burglar: Eats your ham, sleeps in bed with you for awhile, wakes you up to go out at 3am
Dear people who manually retweet, I hope the next time you’re about to get laid someone steps in and does it for you
Sometimes I drown cookies in milk in front of their family until they tell me the whereabouts of the Keebler Elves.
Walk into any flower shop and ask to see the chlamydias. That never gets old.
I’m at the dentist. They put a bib on me and left.
Are they preparing lobster? I hope they are preparing lobster.
My home security system growing up was my parents telling me not to open the door for anyone.
Son: Dad, I’m so excited. I got a B in spelling!
Dad: That’s a D, moron.
My husband is helping me relax this morning by making the kids lunches. He’s asked me 57 times what goes in each lunchbox, and still hasn’t found the bread yet.
My mom told me not to hang out with bad girls, she never said don’t be one.
“Let’s tape a spider to a lobster and scare the shit out of everyone forever.”
-God making scorpions
[first day as astronaut]
*vomits
Me: That’s normal, right?
Instructor: Not during a written exam, no
My father in law drank four cartons of milk in less than six days, so I’ve decided we’ll need to ditch him pretty early on in the apocalypse.
Annoying when people applaud the plane landing.
Worrying when you realise it’s the pilot and cabin crew.
Netflix just suggested I get up and walk around before I develop a blood clot.
can we get some a.i. to pick plastic out of the ocean or do all the robots need to be screenwriters?
A Jehovah’s Witness followed me.
I think I’ll send him a lot of unsolicited DMs with knock-knock jokes…
‘You’re beautiful and I love you,” I yelled as I stood alone on the cliff, and my echo replied “I just want to be friends.”