My mother-in-law’s text alert is an entire song. Starting to think my father-in-law’s rage isn’t really from Vietnam.
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my perfume shop will have selections like eau de fresh bread, eau de sizzling bacon or eau de piping hot coffee
Ageing is just getting angrier and angrier at what rappers are called now until you see a rap name that gives you an aneurysm and you die
When you get hired your job should have to provide first and last months rent too, just to prove they can
My daughter forgot to bring her lunch to school today. It was delicious.
Still my favourite meme.
Big shout-out to the guy in Costco buying a lifetime supply of what he thinks are the right size diapers.
I’m not saying everything has gone to hell since David Bowie, Tom Petty, and Prince died, but…
*gestures at everything*
I hated Sex Ed at school. Or ‘Sexy Edward’, to give him his full name.
yes lassie?
“bark”
Timmy’s in the well and you pissed in my slippers and you told me about Timmy first so I wouldn’t get mad
“bark”
smart
Alarm clock set for 6:00 am
Bladder set for 5:54 am
toothpaste is a big scam. if ur tooth falls out, it stays out. toothpaste Will Not paste it back in.
I’ve discovered my home doesn’t have a basement.
It was just the estate agent doing that walking down the stairs thing behind the couch
Son, take a look around you…
*motions to piles of unpaid bills*
Someday all of this will be all yours.
The cashier told me to have a good holiday like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats, and hummus suggests anything else.
Got the dermatologist recommended detergent and dryer sheets and I’m pretty sure it would’ve been cheaper to just buy a whole new body.
proctologist: [removing three nerf darts] do I have to ask
me: no you can have them
CEO: we need to cut legal in half
Legal: i’m the only one here
CEO: yep
Six feet under.
– Yoda, explaining why he was turned away from riding the roller coaster
Game of Thrones, at its core, has always been a show about how much it sucks to be a horse
If your drinking story doesn’t involve law enforcement, I’m not listening.
Boss: why’d you leave early?
Me: you said cease the day
Boss: yes I said seize the day
Me:
Boss:
Texts from mom:
Thanks to the supreme court, now it’s not just women who won’t marry you.
I taught my 1yo how to turn on my mother-in-law’s dishwasher since she only uses it for storage.
Turtleneck pro: if you wear one while you’re eating you can’t get crumbs in your bra.
Turtleneck con: see above.
Me: hi can I file for an exten—-
My accountant: already done we figured lol
Sliding my tongue in every hole not breaking eye contact with deli clerk is why they kicked me out & won’t let me buy Swiss cheese anymore.
Have you heard about a new sport called Quiet Tennis?
It’s like regular tennis but without the racket.
Turns out indoor stone throwing is a mistake no matter what your house is made of.
I can’t make it tonight. There’s a couple fighting at Target and the guy just started sarcastically clapping. I need to see where this goes.
I’m disgusted every time someone does a gender reveal and it’s a gender I already know about, what kind of reveal is that