Do men still open car doors?
That 👊
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(telling a ghost story)
You know those knocking noises you hear at night? That’s adulthood coming for you!*all the adults start screaming*
all year 14 has said he hasn’t had any homework or school projects so either we hit the jackpot or shit is about to get REALLY real
Egyptians don’t walk like that.
I built an electric fence around my house. My neighbour is dead against it.
The First Step in AAA is admitting your car has a problem.
I’m an adult. I can eat a cupcake for breakfast & call it a muffin if I want
Me: I need a minute to play with myself to get hard
Wife: *smirking* ok
Me: *pulls out my game boy*
Laughter is like a face orgasm. If he can give me that, he earned an audition for giving me an actual orgasm.
When you’re a kid, you think you’re never gonna grow up, and then one day you’re in your 30s and you suddenly have VERY inflexible ideas about the proper way to load the dishwasher
Shout out to the little teapot song for making it okay to be short & stout.
If you can’t beat em, don’t join em, just use a bigger hammer.
It’s like ten thousand tweets when all you need is a life.
What you say: Don’t make a mess in the bathroom.
What the child hears: There are six bottle of nail polish in the vanity drawer.
Does anyone know how to get red wine out of a white cat, and don’t say tears, because I already tried that.
On Monday I have appointments at the psychologist and the gynecologist and if it was the 1800s that would be the same thing
Dogs “play sneeze” to show they’re playing and not being aggressive.
What better way to break the ice with your next eHarmony date?
Currently the sexiest person in this empty field.
*puts powdered sugar around my nostrils and walks into blind date set up by my mom*
why do only doctors get a special hammer for beating people with. I should be allowed to have one of these too
Godspeed, John Glenn
My new diet consists in killing anyone who tells me I’m fat.
Our 4yo played Among Us with her brother over break and on the way to school this morning she told me she can’t wait to call emergency meetings and tell everyone she’s the impostor and then kill someone in the cafeteria. So yeah, I’m feeling REAL proud of my parenting choices.
“google d-dildoes…” i whisper to siri “GOOGLIN BIG OL DILDOES!!” screams the phone, smashing windows in a 9mile radius & flipping over cars
inside you are two wolves
Fortune teller: Your love life will–
Me: Never mind that. Will I ever have a tweet go viral?
Boss: And this will be your desk. Make yourself at home
Me (pulling a rotisserie chicken from my purse & putting it on the desk): Thanks
[Alien family passing Earth]
*door lock noise*
My daughter will not be fully comfortable until she finds a spot to sit on the living room floor that perfectly blocks her sister’s view of the television.
My kid spent a long time washing kinetic sand off his hands, so now he’s clean, but the bathroom looks like it went to a rave on a beach