If you say married people aren’t having sex, you have obviously never sat in a hotel bar & watched them pick up strangers.
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Since I’m not a doctor, my Indian mom is rage thanking the medical professionals
Hey. I just… haven’t felt the same since I left you. I wish we could spend all day and night together, but that’s not healthy. For either of us. I don’t know where I’m going with this but I just wanted you to know I’m thinking about you. I miss you.
– texts to my bed
Me: I made the best decision at that time with the information available
Narrator: he plugged his ears and said “la la la la” at the time
My husband unloaded the dishwasher before I woke up this morning and that’s an awful lot of flirting for a Wednesday morning
I’ll take the seat next to the guy who swallowed the wifi.
Why did they call it ‘Rambo: First Blood Part 2’ instead of ‘Rambo: Second Blood’? That’s some bullshit right there.
Just got my results from ancestry dot com and it turns out I’m a quarter manatee.
Why’s it called aioli and not gourmayonnaise?
barn owls must have been stoked when the barn was invented
Me: *slowly unzips footed jammies*
Him: Heyyy…you uh…wanna fool around?
Me: What? No, I just lost an M&M in my onesie
A posh woman asked where I got my boots and I didn’t want to say TJ Maxx, so I told her I won them in a bar fight.
[polygraph test]
Tester: Have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Committed, or been caught?
Tester: …
Me: That was just a joke. Many people consider me quite witty.
*needle goes crazy*
Me: Life really can’t get worse than this, can it?
Life: LOL you’re stuck in a car wash now
Gym employee: Sorry ma’am, but to cancel your membership you have to come in & fill out paperwork.
Me:*sigh* FINE. Where are you located?
Just think, in 10 years you’re going to wish you look as good as you do right now. Assuming you’re still alive.
~inspirational
I place my finger on the police officer’s lips. “Shhh. Look, we were both speeding, ok? I forgive you.”
doctor who has a passion for magic, during a colonoscopy: is this your card?
I’d be a horrible stalker.. I’m always late
America: Japanese ads are extremely weird
Also America: *airs commercials about toilet paper obsessed bears that are constantly shitting*
“I’ve got toes in different area codes.”
– Ludacris steps on a land mine
Seduce Angela Merkel by fondling the hem of her cardigan while whispering “Aren’t you too pretty to be a Chancellor?”
I don’t get upset when autocorrect screws me because it’s the most action I’ve seen in years.
Bad luck, Atheists named Christian.
My mom has more confidence in discovering the truth about the JFK assassination than me finding another husband
You’re supposed to be Norwegian! I angrily whisper at my freezing hands that won’t stop shaking so I can drink my coffee.
Jesus: *rises after three days*
God: (while reading newspaper) well look who decided to join us
women showering in movie: slowly rubbing her soapy thighs.
women showering in real life: firing snot outta our noses like angry dragons.
You’re an atheist? Well I don’t believe you. See how you like it.
I’ve stopped checking my bank account because ignorance is bliss and I deserve to be happy