If you don’t walk sideways chanting ‘crab people’ when holding tongs, we can’t be friends.
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“Hey Cyclops are you still dating Jean?”
“No Storm, we broke up. You could say she’s my…”
*lowers sunglasses*
*eye beams obliterate Storm*
[inventing the saxophone] what if you could use a bong to play jazz
umbrellas are great if you only wanna get wet sideways.
SCHRÖDINGER: I got you a present.
ME: If it’s another dead cat I’m going to be furious.
SCHRÖDINGER: *Trying to contain excitement* We don’t know until you open it.
Other people are gettin these amber alerts, right? Like, it’s not up to me to find these kids?
Emails now be like: I hope you are staying safe, sheltered in place, stocked with toilet paper, and healthy during these absolutely unprecedented, wild, chaotic, terrifying times. Just wanted to follow up-
i identify as a library so can u be quiet around me pls
Bad news: With the stock market in a nosedive, I’ve had to increase my retirement age.
Good news: I’m going to live to 157.
PSA: wild animals do not know to look away from the eclipse. Bring all them inside during it. Birds, raccoons, fox..all of em
[Grandma’s funeral]
(Turning to friend) She knitted that whole coffin
I don’t believe that twitter is the place for arguments.
We all have family for that..
Why do customers threaten you with “I’m not coming back here” alright Gertrude see if I care? If anything ur doing me a favour luv x
I am not that kind of woman…I”m much worse.
can’t afford invisalign so i’m having my teeth shrink-wrapped instead
Kevin Hart said that he has turned down roles because the characters were gay, which is weird because I didn’t think he knew the word “no.”
The coolest part of the Bible is where one couple somehow populates the world by having kids from every race and ethnicity.
surprise your partner in the bedroom by loudly turning into a helicopter
You’re not bald my friend. You are just taller than your hair.
Go ahead and assume it’s a banana;
I’m rarely that happy to see anyone.
[pet store]
Um hi can I have 4 turtles & 1 rat
Clerk: hah trying to make ur own ninja turtles dude
Me:*hiding miniature sai and katana* n no
Nobody has ever partied as hard as skeletons in a cemetery in a 1930s cartoon. Using their heads as bongos. Doing cartwheels.. Letting one skelly use a broom to sweep them up into a big bone pile. The Euphoria kids could never
Let’s play the Rihanna drinking game! We’ll drink a shot of vodka every time she says ‘work’.
[2 minutes later]
*house is on fire*
Don’t drive me crazy… unicycle me there. Show some originality, man!
doctor: the results don’t look good
me: oh god, why?
doctor: *shaking head* the printer ran out of ink
With no training whatsoever, I took out myself and the other two people exiting the ski lift in one fell swoop.
A couple of weeks ago we had an icebreaker during my graduate seminar and the question was “What is your irrational fear?” My answer was “hammerhead sharks”. And today in class I walked in and saw this:
[trying to buy pants]
Clerk: Sir you need pants to shop here.
80% of parenting is trying not to laugh when you’re supposed to be mad
Robin: Your ad says you’re looking for a side chick?
Batman: Sidekick
Robin: Close enough
I just shaved so now my jeans finally fit again