I have no idea where they learned to talk like that.
– the parent who taught them to talk like that
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I annoyed my kids so bad they told ME to go to bed.
So it looks like this parenting thing has come full circle.
[my funeral]
sister: did you know about this?
mom: [watching my pallbearers dressed like the ninja turtles carry my casket] it’s what he wanted
“Morning, how was your weekend?”
[In football huddle]
“What do you guys think happens when we die?”
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
[learning to ride a motorcycle]
INSTRUCTOR: Again I need to ask whoever it is making the “vroom vroom” sounds with their mouth to knock it off.
Who wants to go pull on some push doors with me??
Me: I want to come back as ghost and haunt you.
Her: Oh no.
Me: I’ll make weird noises in the night.
Her: You already do that.
Dishonest mechanic?
Perhaps you could be persuaded to look the other way, Officer.
There’s no one I respect more than duck hunters. You spent $15,000 on a camouflage boat to outsmart a duck.
The horn quit working in my truck, so I’m hanging out of the window revving this chainsaw at pedestrians.
[moses parts sea]
Slaves: wow! Why we running away if u can do shit like that? Lets go back & claim the pyramids
Moses: thats my only trick
Can anyone recommend some good beginner crimes to try out if I’m just getting interested in crime
Doc: So, where does it hurt?
Pirate: In me chest, I think its me hearty.
It’d be ironic if deaf people hung out in heards.
Text from wife: I’m so sorry, I’m gonna be about half an hour late
Me [forgot we were even meeting, still in bed]: you always do this
My husband made me a really romantic dinner once. When I finished cleaning the kitchen a week later, I warned him never to do anything like that to me ever again.
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
Kids, we can go to the pet expo BUT WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY ANIMALS. WE ALREADY HAVE A DOG
*leaves with two lizards, a fish & a baby giraffe
“Say TGIF ONE more time” I say, scowling at my coworker with no children, “Go ahead, say it again.”
15: what do you risk becoming from taking drugs….
Me: …addicted
15: what do you risk becoming from smoking cigarettes…
Me: …addicted
15: what smacked you in the face last night?
Me: …go to your room
My wife’s parrot is in love with some guy named Jeff lol
When Adele sets fire to the rain, she wins a Grammy.
When I set fire to the rain, I’m an “environmental terrorist”.
Fine.
“What if we put wheels on this toilet?”
*inventor of the RV
Googled my symptoms and it turns out it’s just 2022.
Doctor: If it gets worse, who should we notify?
Liam Neeson: Next of Kin.
Doctor: It shouldn’t come to that, though. How are you feeling today?
Liam Neeson: High Spirits.
Him: wanna go to your favorite place?
Me: Poundtown?!
H: I was thinking Target but—
M: no, no, your instincts were correct
The travel toothbrush has to be the greatest invention ever. Can you imagine having to lug around one of those regular heavy ones?
i hired way too many actors for my movie about weather. it was overcast, is what im saying