Son: Who do you love more, me or my brother?
Me: Impossible for me to answer. That’s like me asking who you love more, me or your –
Son: Mom!
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My Grandma’s church was odd
in that they worshipped paintings.Very weird.
Every week they would stand up
and sing “How Great Thou Art”
Me: *has cold*
Internet remedies:
-feed it
-deep breaths
-stay active
-fast
-don’t breathe
-suspend yourself in mid air
-click like and subscribe
Brad Pitt and I had a handsome contest and the loser had to adopt a bunch of kids.
Whenever I see *Batman voice* I always wonder which Batman.
(Invention of the necktie)
I can’t figure out how to tie this silk noose. Looks like I’ll have to go to the dinner party after all.
*new parents*
Him: I’ve been sleeping with someone else.
Her: YOU’VE BEEN SLEEPING!!
Horoscope: Slightly fatter than you were yesterday
Tuesday be like “My name is Tuesday and I am not Monday in disguise”.
This Teenage girl gave me attitude today so I called her the “Fattest Skinny person I have ever seen” that should confuse her for a while.
When an ex mansplains something to you it’s called “explaining”
Woman: Please send an ambulance, I’m having contradictions!!
Operator: Ma’am, do you mean ‘contractions’?
Woman: Yes! No!
[God creating bears]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but you really shouldn’t
“I’m quite content on this side of the street, thank you.”
— No squirrel ever.
*fashions codpiece out of grilled cheese sandwich*
Wife: it’s still NO!
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: electric windows?
Me, taps window: glass
Customer: break horse power?
Me: oh yeah, this will smash a horse to bits
Customer: 4 wheel drive?
Me, quickly counts: yup
Customer: manual?
Me: in the glove box
I’m gaining weight for my role as “‘Before’ picture”
Sex is great but have you tried taking a shower after a week of camping?
*Takes leash off feral dad*
Me: Go on, boy. Get outta here.
*Feral dad barbecues on my new shoes*
BAD DAD! BAD!
Do girls imagine themselves sucking in a invisible spaghetti when they’re about to take a picture?
A great tip. #CakeRex
Her: Have you seen my penguin tattoo?
Me *eyes wide* how does he hold the needle?
imagine my surprise when i learned the word “briefly” does not, in fact, mean “underwearly”
[pouring another round of shots for my dolls]
What do you mean isolated and unstable?
I accidentally put my yoga pants on backwards this morning; and I’m absolutely horrified to say, they’ve never fit better.
Teen boys either use a whole can of axe body spray or none at all. There’s no in between.
I started a book club. A coloring book club. There’s a line to get in. We’re never on the same page. Nothing’s black & white. We’re well red
9: Don’t break anyone’s heart. But they do have 209 bones.
Me: You make me so proud.
I get it, McFlurry machine. I don’t work when I’m at work either.
Pretty proud of myself. I made copies of all the blank white printer paper at work. Doubled our supply for free. Can’t wait to tell my boss.