Don’t ask me! I’m 48 and still refer to it as a Choo-Choo Train.
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“What do we want?”
“Autocorrect to stop making us look stupid by changing simple words in our texts.”
“When do we want it?”
“Not!”
What question should you NEVER ask a Geologist?
Are these Tectonic Plates dish washer safe?
Who called it a muzzle and not a hush puppy?
I forgot the word milk so I called it calcium juice.
The A string on my guit_r is flat
Having a reputation for being irresponsible gets me out of having to do a lot of stuff.
how dare you call me when dogs 101 is on
Finally a use for spoilers…
During labour, nurse came up to me & said, ‘How about Epidural Anesthesia?’ I was like, ‘Thanks, but I already picked a name.
wwe: These are trained professionals please don’t try this at home
Me and my siblings:
realization:
the asteroid that ended the dinosaurs was technically the highest ratio of killing birds to one stone in earths history
When asked about performing in a musical for Andrew Lloyd Webber, Meatloaf was quoted as saying “Oh I would do anything for Lloyd, but I won’t do Cats!”
Wife: Your life insurance premium paid up?
Me: Yeah.
Wife: Good.
Me: Why?
Wife: No reason.
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Here, taste this.
Someday future archaeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think it was some bizarre mouse-worshiping kingdom.
Being a mother is really quite rewarding.
At tax time.
SOME OF MY FRIES WERE TOO SHORT TO COMFORTABLY DIP IN MY KETCHUP AGAIN WHY ME LORD
Meet me in the bedroom.. bring the gravy boat.
Don’t make this weird…
How do I explain to this bank teller than I’m just robbing her and not the bank?
blacksmith: hey, so I’ve finished welding those fruity soda cans together like you asked.
me: Fantastick.
[me, being murdered] agree to disagree
#ISeeNoPointIn trying to do bunny ears as a joke
Still wondering if Rick Astley gives up anything for Lent.
Become a parent, so you can be accused of “using up all the internet” when Fortnite glitches for a millisecond.
I don’t claim to understand the science behind it, but I can absolutely state with one hundred percent certainty that I am playing a key role in the ongoing survival of the human race by making sure that each and every morning, without fail, I put my left shoe on before my right.
DeBeers ad: *Close up of eyes tearing up then a block of parmesan reggiano – man gets down on one knee*
This year, let them know it’s forever with an investment of 3 months salary in cheese.
Flatulent: (n.) a small apartment in Brooklyn you let a friend borrow
My husband is really not letting me live down that one time we got into a super big argument because I thought buffalo were extinct.
With age comes wisdom. And digestive trouble.
Autocorrect changed car battery to car buttery and it slipped out of my fingers and caused an accident on I-25.
tinder, huh? back in my day if you wanted a girl to notice you, you had to dress like a gargoyle and cling to the roof of her parents’ home