The 4 stages of a family vacation
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can’t help feeling like there’s already a name for this
That time Alicia messaged me
Make friends at the park by telling strangers that you died in this exact spot 200 years ago today
If you want to hide something from me, put it in the fridge. there are several things there celebrating birthday
Seduction is an art and some of you are still making stick figures in finger paint
I’m shoplifting items from Dollar Tree and returning them to Five Below for a profit
The masseuse asked if I wanted her to finish me, I said yes & then she ripped my spine out & said “Flawless Victory!”
ME: sorry, I’m just in a really dark place right now
COAL MINER: who the hell are you
Sweetie if I was fake, I would pretend to be someone awesome and not a lonely weirdo.
me: *accidentally cuts off a car while merging*
[20 minutes later]
me: *tapping on their window as they shift to park in their driveway* hey is everything ok between us
What do you mean 100 іsn’t a perfect credіt score
I hate it when I speak French to the homeless guy saying I don’t understand English and he replies in French so I have to give him money.
Boss: I’m sorry Howard but we are going to have to let you go.
Howard: What? Why? Oh, is this because I was late? I called you and told that I got a flat tire on the way to work, I even texted you a picture.
Boss: No Howard, it’s because you stabbed Kevin in the parking lot.
Qsieowrrtpd
That’s me picking off pieces of quinoa from my iPad
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
my tinder date ended up being a bald mannequin i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the hotel
Me: I somersaulted down a hill yesterday, just like in the movies, it was so crazy
Angel: yes that’s why you’re here
My handwriting looks like a fiddler crab riding a tricycle. No, FIGHTING a tricycle.
Me: I’m meal planning. Is candy corn allowed on keto?
Keto: Please leave our cult.
*Food hits floor*
Little Germs: “Let’s get it!”
King Germ: “No!!! We must wait 5 seconds……”
I keep a separate microwave dedicated for hotdogs. I call it Frank Zappa.
Me: This little kid sitting next to me in a restaurant wouldn’t stop screaming so I decided to scream back and wow I totally get why kids scream it’s so freeing and so much better than actually verbalizing your emotions
Therapist: I think you’re regressing
Me: *screams* am i?
Tf Chris Rock thought Will was coming up there to do? Get Jiggy w/ it 😂😭😂😭
If people who made meth called themselves methematicians it would probably be a more respected occupation.
Three conspiracy theorists walk in a bar. You can’t tell me that’s just coincidence.
[robbing a bank]
accomplice: nice pantyhose
me: thanks
accomplice: on your face next time tho ok
People I live with are hiding my shit. The two most effective hiding places to date:
1) out in the open
2) where I last left it
Customer: can you get me some sandwich sauce
Waitress: mayo?
Customer: FINE, may you get me some sandwich sauce
What do you call a food fight with an unlimited amount of food?
All you can yeet.
“Call me crazy bu..”
You’re a freakin idiot!.. I mean, you’re crazy.