I’m at my most superstitious when there’s no wood in sight so I knock on paper three times. Hey, it’s made from trees and I don’t want to jinx myself.
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Them: love what you do and you’ll never work a day in your life
Me: ok how can I make this apply to eating cheese?
I’m brimming with meh today. I’m a lethargic ball of unbridled unenthusiasm
My therapist is so lucky. I’m like a Netflix Original that pays her to watch.
if you just show up to a delivery room in scrubs and carry a videocamera you can usually film like 7 or 8 births before they throw you out
The cat knocked over my coffee in the home office this morning and I’ve reported her to HR. In other news, HR has hired my cat.
I taught my kid the importance of stop, drop and roll at an early age. Now he never blocks my view of the television.
Sex is like pizza, there’s NO reason it should ever involve vegetables
Guess an extinguisher wasn’t in the budget
So guy walks up to me and puts his fist out for a bump and somehow I reach out, grab it and shake slightly.
If you need me I’ll be behind hiding my couch forever..
My son plays this game where he’s a bowling ball and the bowling pins are everything we own.
”Hey, you like water? yes? well I can turn it into wine.” -Jesus flirting in a bar
Back to work after the long holiday weekend, so you’re finally away from the relatives you don’t like, and back with the co-workers you don’t like
Laughter is the best medicine……..unless you have Morphine. Then Morphine is the best medicine.
If we made a paid app but had no ads, would you download it for $2?
Doing best/worst parts of our day at dinner w 3yo:
Him: The best part of my day was-
Me (Came into his preschool class to read to them today): yeah?
Him: Watching TV.
Me: Oh, ok.
Him: Wait! No! I just remembered!
Me: yeah???
Him: When I got the ketchup from the fridge.
my kid, carrying one small toy and a water bottle: mom, can you get my backpack, my hands are really full
me, carrying 8 grocery bags:
I forgot the word “rake” so I called it a yard comb.
This book I found in my closet says to treat your spouse as you would on the first date, so I split the bill and dropped her off at her parents.
Duolingo getting serious.
*eats pizza out of box in bed
*falls asleep
*wakes up next to leftover pizza
Voila! Breakfast in bed!
Murphy’s Law – If it can go wrong, it will go wrong. Cole’s Law – shredded cabbage in mayo
Me: Where do you want to eat?
Her: Wherever you pick is fine.
Narrator: Wherever he picked was not fine.
Every day Stephen King and I both:
1. Get up
2. Terrify People
3. Tweet
Marriage is alright if you like someone coming home and telling you about their day in the middle of your movie
Day three of MAN COLD. I feel death lurking. Its waiting for me to give up.
Stay strong! Think of the cat. He’ll eat you if you die.
Me: [eating apple & staring out window] It really works.
*roving gang of doctors walk past house*
*feral teacher crashes through window*
For most, bikini season lasts a few short summer months, but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I can eat bikini all year round.
I wish my wife’s milkshakes brought the boys to the yard. I need someone to rake the leaves.
What do you mean you can’t tell what mood they’re in by how loud they clean the kitchen?
In the movie Titanic it always bugged me that she stayed on the raft when clearly she had more body fat for warmth.