Me: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
You: Would you like some coffee?
Me: No.
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SIRI: Brian, what goes “blah blah blah, I don’t know anything, please help me”?
ME: Uhh
SIRI: It’s you. That’s what you sound like.
WIFE: Why is the zoo calling us about a missing coyote?
ME: [bleeding profusely] So… not a dog
You get to choose which path you take.
I see some of you have chosen the psychopath.
I may toss the cat into my teen’s room when he snoozes his alarm
if he fails to check his pillow for catnip before bed that’s his own fault
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
BOSS: no
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
My goal whenever I open my car door is to have a bike rider crash into it and hope that they are escaping from a crime scene.
Me: Hi, yes I have a reservation for one womb with a view?
Receptionist: What?
Husband: [Exasperated sigh] we’re here for an ultrasound.
The experts say: “Stop shoveling snow by age 45 and no later than 55 to prevent heart attacks”.
But if you’re 65+ and still shoveling snow they say: “Shoveling snow may be great exercise”.
Last winter I risked a heart attack. This winter I’m excercising!
I’m just a girl.
Standing in front of a girl.
Wondering how she got her eyeliner on so perfectly.
Did you know that if you drop and break a piece of folk art, it just turns into more folk art?
[Voice from police helicopter]
PUT YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR!
*raises hands*
*takes flattering selfie in helicopter spotlight*
*uploads new avi*
Get married and have kids so that you can Google things like “How to teach your kid to not bite”.
Writing a letter to Santa challenging him to a duel and then just standing next to my chimney with a sword all night on Christmas Eve
Whenever I feel overwhelmed, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide for three days in a cave
date: your glasses make you look smart
me: well i had to fail a test to get them so
People believe that they have brains but maybe that’s just inside their heads.
When I say “I’m going to bathroom brb”, my dogs hear “gather up, it’s showtime!”
I love triscuits. It’s like eating a basket
The marriage rate has been trending downward. Choreographed wedding dances may be the reason.
Accidentally typed ‘Edgar Allan Pie’ and now I’m in the mood for a sullen and morose dessert
Wonders if chickens do the funky people.
Practice self-care like a star, be lonely and distant & allow nothing to survive on your surface.
My wife has only one rule: I am always wrong…no, she has two rules.
all the apology videos are terrible because the people capable of writing a good apology are on strike.
Q: What’s the safest place to be during a North Korean missile strike?
A: The place they are aiming at.
I’m not saying motorcycles are dangerous, but the motorcycle section on Craigslist also has a lot of electric wheelchairs for sale.
The potato masher IS the Gatekeeper of the utensil drawer, don’t piss her off.
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know I’m just messin with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name. lol.
God: are you serious?
Owl: no i’m Owl : )
God:
Owl:
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
“Oh man, that thing looks irritated”
– me, pulling into the airport parking lot and seeing my mother-in-law waiting on the curb