Do you ever get shampoo in your eyes and wonder what the name of your guide dog will be?
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Ever wonder what happens when you piss into a Brita filter? Well, for starters, you get a TON of emails from Airbnb.
What do you mean you are supposed to breathe while you eat.
I saw a product for cars today called “Rapid Odor Removal,” and everyone who buys it should be put on an FBI watchlist.
“You make your own luck!”
– Lucky People
Kids always throw their shoes as far apart as possible when they take them off, like you’ll find one on their bedroom floor and one on top of the fridge, it’s madness
I hope your spoon slides into your soup
Yeah….seems legit. *dusts off hands* another customer satisfied.
dentist: have you been flossing?
me: yes 🙂
dentist: your mouth?
me: no 🙁
I crashed into a telephone pole during my drivers test but then I said just kidding and my instructor still passed me
I’m like a siren of the sea, except I lure my victims by smelling like garlic bread
Due to the weather, I was able to use the words “wet and slippery” at work all day without anyone thinking I’m a big perv.
[at hairstylist]
Make me look like I’m running really fast.
5yo: That will be 5 dollars.
Me *handing her play money*
All I have is this 50.Hey! Where’s my change?
5yo: Sorry. I all I have is this 50.
Weird how James Bond was always like, ‘I’m 007’ like just be 7
Toaster: Things are getting hot…. real hot, I’m getting close.
Me:
Toaster: Ahhhhhh!!!! I popped…
Me: I don’t think I really want that waffle anymore.
Her: Awww. Can I hold your baby?
Me: Of course. Here you go.[later]
Her: Can I see your phone?
Me: *eyes narrowed* Are you insane?
If you asked me to bring a dish to your party,
just know that I snacked on it the whole way to your house.
Do sharks play the harmonica like
this or this
Job interviews be like what’s your biggest weakness, ummm I don’t have a job bro
[Fancy restaurant]
DATE: *seductively* I like a man who knows what he wants
ME: *way too loudly* THERE’S NOT ENOUGH KETCHUP ON MY TATER TOTS
I got mad when my gum lost its flavor. I chewed it out.
The older you get the only functions you attend are bodily..
I was sad until I automatically connected to the local McDonald’s WiFi, then I was ~extra~ sad.
Mom
She gave me life
She gave me love
She gave me sarcasm
She gave me the ability to
cut brake lines so that it
looks like an accident.
Someone accused me of spending too much time on the Internet. I don’t know what to say. I am so full of emoticons right now.
When a killer makes you dig your own grave, throw the soil far away so he has trouble backfilling.
North Korean leader Kim Jong-un got married. Proving there’s someone for every un.
Someone added the GameCube intro to my unemployment graph & it’s significantly better now.
Him: What time are you picking up the kids?
Me: I’ll leave as soon as I rinse the blood off my car.
Him: What?
Me: What? *click*
some people say April Fool’s Day is annoying.
but to me, a sentient refrigerator who longs to run free, it is my only chance to escape.