It’s getting disrespectful how long it takes for me to scroll to my birth year
You Might Also Like
My mind is a steel trap…that was set off accidentally long ago and now works best as a paperweight.
“You know that’s not even a word, right?” I said, condescendingatively
Finally all the people in the White House are being polite. They are all running around saying “pardon me.”
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 at a family get togetherlooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
GOD: ok, you 2 have basically the same body, now let’s just divide these legs up!
SNAKE: Actually, what say we play cards for it? Winner gets ALL the legs.
GOD: …There is literally no reason to do that.
MILLIPEDE: *Shuffling with 1 hand* No no, he wants to play let him play.
Cop: why were you speeding
Me: Out of POLITENESS to the car behind me
When I die, I want to be buried in a random field without a casket or teeth, so I can be an unsolved mystery one day.
I like to imagine that gymnastics competitions are just an elaborate game of ‘the floor is lava’.
im the guy responsible for throwing the chicken in the air for fried chicken commercials. i will never reveal my secret method’s
Me: You’re adopted
Ted: What? How long have I been a dop
I arrived early at the restaurant last night. Do you mind waiting for a bit? The manager asked.
Not at all I replied.
Good, take these pizzas to table 6, he said.
Sorry I can’t make it to lunch today. I forgot to shorten “people” to ppl in a text this morning and now I’m totally behind schedule.
What even happened today?
Can we still see the Grand Canyon from the air or has the government put a giant tarp over it?
Chase scenes in movies will be extremely quiet, once electric cars become mainstream.
I want to be a dog and have someone feed me treats for sitting down.
RIP cat who thought sunglasses would stop Medusa
Staying in all day, then being told by the delivery company that you were, in fact, not at home after all
Yea girl, he’s your soulmate. And her soulmate, and her soulmate, and….ya know.
Facebook’s forever reminding me about people’s birthdays like I sell cakes😒😒.
Snakes full of cheese instead of poison would certainly improve the atmosphere at this church.
*wife walks over to me*
*cups my face with her hands*
*looks me in the eye*“Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?”
I once tried to the Dirty Dancing lift with my cat but it turns out Mr. Mittens isn’t very strong.
A woman drives into a bar.
Have a lovely day 😊
My daughters steal my hoodies so they don’t have to deal with having a boyfriend in case you’re wondering why I’m concerned for the bloodline.
I feel tired and weak. Probably just getting older and nothing is wrong. Well, time to read the news
i wonder if it’s possible to swim from one end to the other in a pool filled with mashed potatoes ?
I 100% subscribe to this philosophy
*chases cat around the house with a lint roller