I wonder if Mr. Potato Head gets emails letting him know there are hot Pringles in his area.
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holy crap!! when I said “take care of them” I meant snacks & drinks
Apparently, changing your profile to “Flirty, dirty and a little squirty” gets you kicked out of Christian Mingle.
Have you decided on dinner?
“Yes, I’ll have the chicken, grilled.”
Very good.
*hears waiter yelling at chicken*
WHERE WERE YOU LAST TUESDAY
I’m half potato on my dad’s side
It’s ok to not have a Valentine on Valentine’s Day. I didn’t have a groundhog on Groundhog’s Day
Don’t let people tell you that you can’t give up. You totally can. I do it all the time.
I once stayed in a motel that was so seedy, the Bible in the drawer only had 7 commandments
I don’t understand how people use plastic wrap successfully.
friend got a quirky ouija board rug for her house and now i mainly hang out there waiting for the roomba to summon demons and shit.
Is it wrong, to put people on your bucket list?
“Be cool, be cool,
be cool”~me before I’m about to not be cool.
If you ask me to give you a ride anywhere on less than 2 hours notice, you’re gonna be sitting in a pile of empty soda bottles and chip bags.
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
Obviously, someone didn’t follow the instructions before assembling the cat…🐈🐾😅
The only things certain in life are death, taxes, and forgetting my reusable grocery bags.
My favorite part of going on vacation is cleaning the entire house first so that my best friend that’s watching my cats doesn’t see how much of a slob she already knows I am.
I know blood in horror movies is just corn syrup, but it’s still terrifying because at this point, that’s basically all my blood is
*email notification*
“Ooh, who’s this from?”
– Me reading an email I sent to myself literally 7 seconds ago to remind me to do something.
I think we should elect Bernie. When Isis hears a Jew is president they will all have heart attacks and die.
[in car on a road trip]
Me (checks clock): 5:07
*reads for a bit*
*scrolls emails*
*searches for radio station*
*eats a snack*
*knits a sweater*Me (checks clock): 5:08
being a work from home parent is hard dude. i’ve been telling my son he has to work hard to be a success in life and now he sees me watch videos of people running from the cops on my phone while i wiggle my mouse every 3 minutes.
when i was younger i was interested in rapping, but then one day a buddy of mine and i were rhyming in my living room and my mom walked by and said “i gotta run, have fun with your little poems!” and that was the end of it
LA today:
I switched from the cutting wheel to pizza scissors and it’s like I spent the first half of my life trying to shave with a banana.
Been trying to get cash from my local ATM for a week but it keeps saying “insufficient funds.” You’d think they’d have refilled it by now.
Sexting:
Him: What do you like in the bedroom?
Me: Sleeping.
Him: No, I meant what can I do to make you happy in the bedroom?
Me: Close the door on your way out.
Him: No, I meant…
Me: Also lock the door.
And that’s when I stopped telling the first half of my stories
Doctor’s office: All our records are electronic now just fill out these 12 forms.
Just saw a grasshopper jump on cement.
THEY’RE EVOLVING.
*bank robbery*
ROBBER: nobody moves, nobody gets hurt!
ME: *gazing tearfully at a pic of my long distance gf* too late