Decades have gone by and STILL my parents have not given back the Halloween candy they took from me “for safe keeping”.
You Might Also Like
I talk dirtier in traffic than I do during sex.
What they’re actually saying is “I can’t even [finish this sentence due to the complexities of being a white girl on the existential level]”
When I die and eventually go to Hell I’m going to flirt with the Devil like “So, did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?”
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
The superstition where you hold your breath as you drive past a cemetery sounds like a ploy by Big Cemetery to fill more cemeteries.
I found a YouTube video demonstrating a 5 minute speed clean. It was 25 minutes long.
You guys know that there are things higher than kites, right?
i love the concept of an encore. the band leaves the stage and the crowd is like omg wait you haven’t played your three most popular songs yet! and the band is like “beg”
*signs your yearbook “best friends for life”
*never speaks to you again *
My glasses are dirty but I don’t want to move from the couch so I guess TV’s blurry from now on
Skipped the gym today to go to McDonald’s. The bus did not come back, so I had to walk 2 miles home. Well played, universe.
me putting things at the top of cabinet is top tier self hatred
Pretty sure marriage was invented to help people overcome their fear of death.
Once there was a dead bat in our driveway, but he shrieked at me when I tried to pick him up and that’s how I found out dead bats are jerks.
me: get out of your own head live in the now
also me: tbh boneless chicken wings have the same flying potential as regular chicken wings
Paid $50 for a device that has a motion detector that emits a sound to scare off neighbor’s cat….she’s out there rubbing up against it now
Positive I heard an audible gasp from my car as I drove past the wine store
Dad: Can I administer my own anesthetic?
Surgeon: Go ahead – knock yourself out.
How many beer trucks can you “accidentally” run into before your insurance company becomes suspicious?
Me: *parks in “pregnant women only” parking spot after overeating at the buffet*
Stranger: Oh wow, you look like you’re going to pop! When are you due?
Me: Probably in like 24-30 hours.
Remember they’re just as afraid of seeing you dance as you are of dancing.
Lifehack: dress your young children in the colors of the food you are serving them to avoid outfit changes.
Me: Turn right on Johnson Street.
Her: I don’t know the street names, just give me landmarks.
Me: Ok turn right at the sign that says Johnson Street.
I’m beginning to think that some of you aren’t really pretending to be crazy.
Dads love saying, “I can see 3 eggs from where I’m standing that you haven’t found yet.”
Me: but the therapist told me I should face my fears
Wife: *seething* not your fear of dropping a baby you idiot
Me: calm down it wasn’t even our baby
“I’d kill you if I thought I could get away with it”…….things that were said to me during my divorce. Hey guy’s, she’s available!
Me: *shares irrefutable and well known fact that no one has dared question in the history of the entire world*
5 year old: No it isn’t
Me: It’ll be nice to have a dog around, we won’t have to worry about intruders
My dog: It’s a new person! Please come in and take whatever you want. I’ll be over here on my back waiting for a belly rub
I bet the worst part about being a birthday cake is when you’re set on fire, and then eaten by the hero that saved you.