Before I drop my kids off at school, I ask if they’re ready to be yeeted out of the car, and they all start chanting, “YEET, YEET YEET…” So yeah… pretty sure I’ve peaked.
You Might Also Like
This air is so toxic and unhealthy right now I think I want to date it
DON’T make this weird…
(I whisper in your ear, as I pet your eyebrows)
Me: I really can’t stay
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: I’ve got to go away
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: Just let me go!
Manager of Hotel California *walks over* is there a problem?
Get ahead at the office by taking work home with you over the weekend. No need to work on it just make sure people see you take it home…
[fight scene – me and a murderer kick a gun across the room and grapple for it]
me: [reaching under couch] shit
murderer: let me try i have longer arms
me: you do not
murderer: do too. stand up
[we measure arm length]
me: wow
murderer: yeah i got like a 6’3” wingspan
most librarians are not supportive of me practicing mime despite 𝘤𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘳𝘭𝘺 adhering to the volume guidelines
Sometimes I just start counting and hope the person talking to me will go hide.
10: I just read that you have fingertips but not toe tips yet you can tiptoe but not tip finger.
Me: It’s 6 am.
girlfriend: I’m sick of you having no sense of direction
me: where did that come from
r kelly: will you touch this shower quick
king midas: why
[runs to the door to greet wife]
I’m afraid there’s been a terrible accident involving all the things you asked me to do today.
As your sugar daddy I will provide you with a 40% discount on all your future insulin purchases
ME: Jealousy destroys everything it touches
ANTIQUE DEALER: Weird thing to name your cat but you still have to pay for everything it broke
Eve: *chewing* what was that thing we weren’t supposed to eat?
God: please tell me you didn’t eat the apple
Eve: *licking fingers* oh haha no
God: …where’s Adam?
*takes coffee from hot barista
*makes eye contact
*smiles
*winks
*sips scalding coffee“Thankth, thexy! Theeya!”
*walks outside
*screams
My 3 year old had a tantrum earlier and afterwards he apologized for yelling at me. When I started to hug him, he said ‘if you just did what I wanted I wouldn’t get mad.’
Same, kid. Same.
[on date]
HER: I once broke up with a guy for saying “I could care less”
ME: Haha that idiot [nervous] of course it’s “I could care fewer”
Jehovah’s Witness’: Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends, are you two gonna be there?
J.W: Why yes..
[slams the door]
My boss is having a colonoscopy today.
I sure hope they find his head.
Even getting salmonella from cookie dough would not convince me that you can get salmonella from cookie dough
Me: My sex life is like your car.
Friend: What? Sleek, performance-inspired, 6-speed, classic & acclaimed?
Me: Nope. Electric powered.
My Girlfriend wanted a cat. I didn’t want a cat. So we compromised and we got a cat…
So my neighbor is baking apple pie, and I’m just sitting here waiting for her to put it on the windowsill
Nurse: Know your blood type?
Me: Type-O
N: That’s good!
M: Not really. Makes me spell everything wrong. ZING!
N: Get out
M: Fair enough
[After first teeth cleaning since lockdown]
Okay. Weigh me now
TMNT gave me unrealistic expectations of city sewer systems.
Person: I’ll listen to the conference call today if you will (do a different task). Deal?
Me: Okay fine but don’t come crying to me later all “My soul! It’s gone! I traded away my soul!”
Person: *laughing*
My fish makes so much noise during the night that I wake up six times a night to ask him if we are fighting
If you see this sign, you are not at that four star resort you thought you were staying at.