a 3 y/o asked if i was an adult yesterday, when i said “yes” he goes “why?” and honestly i don’t have a good answer for it. why am i an adult?? i could be anything?!!
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wicked witch: i’ll get you, my pretty! and your little dog, too!
me: omg u think im pretty?
That IS a banana in my pocket AND I’m happy to see you. Why must society make these two things mutually exclusive??
One time in LA I heard a girl tell her friend she made out in an Uber on a date then asked her friend “What’s the farthest you’ve ever gone in an Uber?” and her friend replied “Burbank.” and I’m convinced even Mel Brooks couldn’t have written a better setup and punchline.
Once upon a time (today) I had to help with pre school homework
Me: -holds up yellow
Me: What color is this?
4: McDonalds
The end
We’ve taught our puppy to ring a bell whenever she’s wants to go outside so it basically sounds like a Salvation Army Training Facility in here.
My boyfriend says I’m like a robot in bed so I’m basically a sex machine.
Officer: I’ll need to see a photo ID.
Me: (pulling out a selfie at an R.E.M. concert) That’s me in the corner. That’s me in the spotlight.
Every marriage has one person who is good at putting laundry away and one person who puts my black tights in a kitchen drawer with the dish towels.
Ever take a look at @thefunnytweeter? I’m honored that they have some of my tweets on a page.
I just watched a 15 year old girl who was busy texting walk into a light post and I am no longer an atheist.
me: “okay I might as well just say it..I love you”
girl dinosaur: “omg u have no idea how long I’ve waited for u to say that!”
*meteorite*
If my funeral is open casket my only request is that I have cucumber slices over my eyes.
#wordsofwisdom
If it says, ‘Do not try this at home’ – go and visit a friend.
The rest of the world should fear our military.
We have the most cutting edge technology 1954 had to offer.
TOP PLACES TO DO KARATE IN FRONT OF:
1. Sunset
2. Crashing waves
3. Dad’s grave (as casket is lowered)
4. New stepdad’s face
5. Quiznos
You can extend the olive branch..
but you can’t beat them over the head with it
[the middle of showering] I need a break
Guys, stop telling women “you’re beautiful” get creative. Tell her she looks like she could beat Taylor Swift in a fight. Tell her she looks like she could make nachos that would **ck you up for a week. Tell her she reminds you of a guy you knew in prison.
I keep a banana in my pocket just in case, because I’m really not glad to see anybody.
one time my dad walked in on me smoking an E cig and made me eat a whole pack of batteries
When the teacher told my 5yo that America was below Canada, my son thought that if you dug a hole deep enough in Canada you’d get to America
Anxious person at a party: Oh! This is a lovely front door! Let me see what it looks like from the outside.
Me: Okay, you’re up
Kid: …. Trick or Treat
Me, opening kitchen cabinet: Look, candy!!
Kid: Mom, this is stupid
Me: Do you want candy or do you want to get infected and die???
Sorry I used the word flaccid twice in your wedding toast.
Working from home is fun because a tiny version of myself is dancing in their underwear next to me as I try to maintain a straight face during a meeting
*drops an avocado in the offering basket at church*
My kid got so bored he asked to do chores, so if you need me, I’ll be over here on my fainting couch
Gonna start passive aggressively sending herbal teas. Oh yes, I thought you’d enjoy it it’s for brain fog.
I wonder if Spiderman and Batman ever fight over who gets to eat the best bugs.
Way back when, I thought technology would look more like flying cars and less like me yelling “The laptop’s not a touch screen,” at my kids.