If I ever spend over $300 on shoes, they better have some James Bond shit in them.
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These weekends are starting to feel as long as a lunch break.
me: did you know beethoven was deaf
date: the dog?
me: of course the dog
I’m going to be a piñata for Halloween: nearly broke & full of candy
holding an old, ratty phone charger cable at just the right angle so that the phone charges is this generation’s rabbit ear antennas for a TV
Please make sure your kid’s middle name pairs well with their first name because you’ll be yelling that combo more than you think.
What if UFO’s are just Jeff Bezos type guys from other galaxies?
hi why am I like this
Nothing says you don’t trust your family like pre-payment of your funeral
I have Facebook like reflexes.
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
*throws a book and hits you right in the face*
[listening to the neighbors argue through the walls]: mmw mmwm wmmw mwm mwwmm wwmw
mwm wmmwm wwmw mmwm
mwwm mmw mmwm mwwm mwmwm
me: oh stephanie you’re better than this
This is a terrible place to stay! The sheets are scratchy, the pillow is thin and the recreational activities sorely limited! 1 1/2 ⭐️
Yelp: Its prison ma’am.
don’t do it sharon, it’s a trap
friend: what’s the difference between ignorance and indifference?
me: I don’t know and I don’t care
♫ Why do birds suddenly appear, every time you are near? Just like me, they long to be… ♫
Wait, hang on…my bad, those are vultures.
Me: *successfully puts out fire* Did I pass?
Cooking instructor: No.
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *backseat full of penguins* Um, I’m guessing the aquarium called?
I don’t even want to eat butter chicken without having some warm leavened flatbread first. That’s a Naan starter for me
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me: you wanna hot line bling?
date: what?
me: *sweating nervously* Netflix and chill?
date: excuse me
me: *looking at notecards* BAE?!
At my age, “getting lucky” means being able to find my car in the parking lot.
God: you’re a parrot.
Parrot: ok.
God: you can repeat everything you hear.
Parrot: humans are the worst.
God: uh what?
Parrot: i’ll prolly kill them in a flood soon.
God:
Parrot:
God: what’s it gonna take to keep this quiet?
Parrot: I wanna live in a tropical paradise.
[A pterodactyl walks into a bar]
“Ptequila, pthanks.”
My buddy wants to join Twitter because he’s tired of all the people fighting on Facebook, should I tell him.
it was extremely windy last night and my boyfriend couldn’t sleep and I woke to find him on the wikipedia page for Wind
Beware of the dog..
I think it’s weird how President Obama appointed George Clooney Secretary Of Handsome. #DNC
I can’t afford a personal trainer so instead I go to the gym and lift incorrectly and wait for 3 different dudes to correct me for free.
Son: have you checked the chicken? Is it ok?
Me:*opens oven door* you ok in there? Not too hot for you is it?
diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
How dare you look down on me, judging me with your judgy eyes and your judgy attitude and…
Attorney: my client means, “not guilty”