[walking into a store on september 1st]
employee: MERRY CHRISTMAS!
You Might Also Like
It’s not officially bedtime until you drop your phone on your face.
My mom just texted me to say that her dog killed 2 groundhogs in her backyard this morning so I think she may be doing Groundhog Day wrong.
Her: I want you to dress up as your biggest fear this year.
Me: Ok, but how do I make a costume out of you finding my unlocked phone?
[sending nudes] I swear it’s not gonna be a photo of my cat
Judge: Approach the bench.
Cat Lawyer:
Judge: pspspsps
🎶we are never ever ever getting back together
– a pair of my socks saying an emotional goodbye to each other in the washing machine
[War in Heaven]
Lucifer: You must choose a side.
Me: Can I get Mac n’ Cheese?
wife: please don’t do anything stupid
me: ok… wait,
tonight or ever?
Felt like my car was going to blow over from this wind today. I feel bad for the smart cars that are probably stuck in trees.
4-year-old: What’s that?
Me: A vegetable you won’t like. If you don’t tell Mom, I’ll take it from you.
*eats her bacon*
“Hold on lemme just hotbox these bugs so I can steal and eat their goo.” -beekeepers everywhere
gentlemen, hear me out
if three separate women were faking covid test results in order not to date me, i would simply not tell that fact to the new york times
I was just reading a list of 50 things you should do before you die.
And it’s quite surprising that “Yell for help ” is not one of them!!!
When I write “I hope this email finds you well” I’m referring to the email’s skills in tracking you down.
Cops should stop the use of dogs.
There are other trainable, vicious animals with a terrific sense of smell.
No one would mess with a police bear.
Surprised Scarlett Johansson didn’t leg sweep Travolta, throw him over her should onto his back and put her foot on his throat.
Intelligence is the new cleavage
The great thing about having four kids is having four people to watch me bring in the groceries all by myself.
crazy
“Ow that dog just nipped at me”
PEE ON IT!
“No man NO STOP THAT DOESN’T WORK FOR EVERYTHING”
I’M HERE FOR YA BUDDY!
I hate reality shows. Like this one, for instance, called “The News.”
it’s funny they call them “unidentified flying objects”. I could identify them right away. those are ufos
No idea who she is but I want her to know I’m a huge fan and supporter of her work ✨
The best way to avoid being left with the bill when dining out with friends is by not having any friends.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
Me: do you like my new hairstyle?
17: oh – did you do that on purpose?
*forgets Netflix password*
*sends email reset*
*forgets email password*
*sends reset to backup*
20 resets later:
*opens 2nd Netflix account*
Sorry my emotional support panther ate your emotional support peacock.
Roses are red
Duracell is gold
Took your vibrator’s batteries
for my remote control
I’m ready for the kind of love that sweeps you off your feet ❤️🖕❤️