Accidentally put the Ouija board in the monopoly box so now whenever you land on free parking it summons a ninth level demon
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I dream of writing a fat woman’s cookbook. I’ll call it, “50 Shades of Gravy.”
Show someone you love them today by rearranging the apps on their phone.
{notices you’re wearing silver earrings}
sorry your ears came in 2nd
I bought a dog so I wouldn’t feel creepy picking up poop off the sidewalk
My kids are at their grandparents’ for the week, and did you guys know that when there are no kids living at your house IT STAYS CLEAN ALL THE TIME???
You can’t keep eating people’s lunches from the break room & blaming the Taliban. A lot of what you’ve been stealing is pork for one thing.
I guess someone’s New Year’s resolution was to crop dust me at the grocery store.
PSA: Calories don’t count today because February 29 doesn’t really exist.
“Let there be me.” God, just before he created himself out of nothing.
If I ever lose my girlfriend in the mall I just start checking other girls out and bam there she is yelling at me
klingon
*two claps*
klingoff
Dove: Dad, what’s my name mean?
Me: It’s the symbol for love
Swallow: What about mine?
Me: Umm, true love.
1,000 years after civilization falls alien archeologists will discover a single cell from the animating of sponge bob and assume that’s what life was like. So we have that going for us
[inventor of the mirror]
“That wall doesn’t look enough like me”
If your wife walks in and turns the light on while you’re staring at the ceiling, make sure you yell “My eyes!” BEFORE she starts changing
Want to get rid of your boyfriend without killing him?
Send him to the grocery store for water chestnuts.
Mine has been gone 5 months.
Walking up to any crime scene & whispering within the crowd, “It’s started again, hasn’t it?” then leaving
Sign of the day..
Fun Fact: In New York City it’s a Class A felony for a pizzeria to run out of pepperoni.
Moving is a lot more fun when you make the Movers carry you on top of the mattress like an Egyptian pharaoh
Telling your child their sibling is still asleep a very effective way to get them to practice their instrument.
Now that people have become accustomed to not knowing whether a person is having a phone conversation or just talking to themselves as they walk down the street I find myself doing a lot more public ranting.
[Wendy’s]
Me: *confidently walking up to the counter after they got my order wrong* i’d like to speak to wendy
I don’t trust people who don’t wash their hands after burying a body in the yard.
I’m not vegetarian but there are certain animals I refuse to eat:
– rabbit
– raccoon
– most kinds of bear
– moth
– Mothman
– bee (but wasp is okay)
– coconut
– whatever animal “bologna” is from
A teacher is always just one loud fart away from losing control of a classroom.
I don’t get laid on Saturdays. The last two words were unnecessary.
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
The irish goodbye: leave without telling anyone
The Midwest goodbye: stand around for 4-8 more hours saying goodbye to the entire party