I know I did a good job dressing my 3 year old when my wife doesn’t have to tell everyone she sees that I dressed her.
You Might Also Like
Much like a fairy tale princess I will sit here and wither away until some man somewhere is brave enough to bring me soup.
A Peeping Tom was hospitalized after falling out of a tree. Appropriately in the ICU.
[Apple meeting]
We need an honest iPhone 6 slogan.
“How about, iPhone 6: Yesterday’s technology at tomorrow’s prices.”
Too honest, Carl.
“You have 15 seconds to convince me of why I should call you back. Good luck.”
– my voicemail message
Waiter: Is something wrong with your fish?
Me: I ordered it battered
Waiter: Terribly sorry *punches fish*
Me: Thanks
male cult leader: I have received a new revelation from the lord
me: let me guess, he wants you to have multip—
cult leader: I am to have multiple wives
[1st date]
DATE: When I’m with a handsome man I get all nervous & involuntarily start speaking French
ME [leans across] Oh really?
DATE: Yes
In Canada, she’s Kilometery Cyrus.
I’m a giver.
*gives you a hard time*
My pessimism has never failed me, but I’m sure someday it will.
has it occurred to thomas that he might be the problem
Praying that Donald Trump is really just Ashton Kutcher performing his most elaborate prank yet.
Immediately pulled out of any TV show if there’s a bookcase in the background. “Why do they have two copies of Twilight Eclipse!?” I yell at my wife as she Googles divorce lawyers…
Kidnapper: We have your wife.
Me: You sonofa-it was HER turn to cook dinner for the kids tonight!
Saw a bunch of people wearing red and I assumed they were Chiefs fans and I started cursing them out and long story short I am now banned from this Target..
Mom bod is what happens when you spend too many years cleaning the kids’ plates.
With your tongue.
@PawAndPups @SussexDetective Lol reminds me of this 👇🏾
I feel pretty smart until I realize the wild ducks I’m surprised by on my neighbor’s lawn are metal lawn ornaments he’s had for 5 years.
The real power of a man…
Is the size of the smile on his woman’s face sitting next to him.
Game of Thrones: Now with 100 percent more zombies! The Walking Dead should fire back by adding kingdoms.
Pretty upsetting that during such times some people are still refusing to take their work home with them, like my kids’ nanny
If you’re only18, please don’t tweet philosophy and proverb verbiage based on your first love and the difficulty of your inexperienced life.
If you want my opinion ask my wife
“Get the Reese’s” I whisper to my kid as he trick-or-treats, knowing full well my wife just quietly told him to go for the Twix.
No regrets in 2018
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a case of Girl Scout Cookies.
I try to always be the bigger person by hanging out with a lot of short people
[first day in a hair band]
Singer: you’re bald
Me: yes, I lied on my resume
carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full.
When, in the future, someone says “remember when we did that thing and had the most amazing time?” and you struggle to remember what year it happened…
One thing you can be sure of is that it didn’t happen in 2020