birth certificates really the most pointless thing, why i gotta prove to you i was born bro i’m right here
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I know there is something wrong with my car the old fashioned way. I smell it or hear it.
My mother’s gravy is so lumpy it’s having a biopsy.
Just left WalMart. All the cute well behaved kids must be at Target.
HER: I’m breaking up with you..
ME: Is it because W e A re I N a Bl a k H o l e ?
C ¡ !
H
E R: Y
e S
! ! ! !
Just got my second Covid vax. So now I’m going to need another excuse for why I’m not having sex.
This is hilarious….
WHY *smack* DON’T *smack* YOU *smack* JUST *smack* USE *smack* THE *smack* RETWEET *smack* BUTTON?
[speaking at funeral]
Deceased’s brother: there’s no words to describe the anguish we all feel right now
Me: what about ‘anguish’?
There’s always that creepy couple inviting people to come over and sit in their hot tub…by the way, what are you doing tonight?
“I live as a mountain man because I enjoy the isolation and I hate people. Film crews are cool though.” – Mountain Men on History Channel
ME: How are you?
GUY WHO JUST FOUND OUT ABOUT THE WORD ROBUST: Robust.
Dear Milk of Magnesia manufacturers:
Please add : ‘Don’t trust a fart’ to your side effects label.
kthanksbye
Please send me love and light I went on a walk today and I nodded + smiled politely at someone but they were a Halloween decoration.
Me: Have you seen my bedroom trash bin?
Teen: The small one?
Me: Yes.
Teen: Made of wicker?
Me: Yes!
Teen: Dark?
Me: Yes!!
Teen: No.
Projecting a movie onto my bedroom ceiling turns insomnia into incinema. No YOU shut up!
My 2yo is going around pretending to call everyone. When he got to his brother, my 5yo didn’t even look up from playing, responding, “I can’t talk now, my phone is dead. Bye.”
My daughter just told me she doesn’t like Cadbury eggs and oh thank god bc the 12 I bought her accidentally fell into my facehole
[me giving tour of city landmarks]
and on your left you’ll see a corgi in a bandana—he’s not part of the tour but let’s go get a closer look
Every time I clean my dog’s water bowl, she has put a piece of dry spaghetti in there. Where is she getting the spaghetti? Why is she not eating it? Is she softening it? For how long? Do I leave it? This has been happening for months.
“You got any plans tonight?”
Me: Yeah, sorry I do
The plans:
I was walking around the house naked and one of our smoke detectors went off so now it’s my favorite smoke detector.
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
Next episode of Why are Customers So Annoying
Dear Impatient Customer,
If you call someone and get their voicemail, calling me to transfer you will not make them answer when I’m transferring you to the same number you just called 5 seconds ago.
Had a tiny prick in my gums today at the dentist
Anyway, thought of you
flash mobs for serving divorce papers
So let me get this straight. A dude comes back to life after three days and no one cuts his head off?
A room full of people: ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
My stomach: *SHRIEKS IN AUTOBOT*
where there’s a-weem there’s a-weh
me: *gritting my teeth* they will pay for this. you’ll see. they will ALL pay for this
waitress: okaaay… so separate checks then?